the show: 04-17-06

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(the commentary: 04-17-06)

Transcript

Britney Spears!

To be honest with you, today I feel crappy.

"To be honest with you". "Frankly". "Actually". "Really".

Suspicious. Why do you say these things? Instead of alerting people when we're about to tell the truth we should have phrases that alert people when we're about to lie.

"No! To be totally full of shit, I love goin' shoe shopping with you". "To be perfectly dishonest, I love this job."

Good morning Sports Racers, it's Monday, April 17. The time we spend together we can never get back. It's tax day, except if you live in Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, or the District of Columbia. Don't ask questions, only Knowledge knows why.

Think of paying taxes like giving to charity. You don't really know where the money goes, it'll probably end up in the hands of a corrupt politician but you can feel like you did your part.

Today's wardrobe brought to you by the people who sent me this shirt.

Britney Spears, you a big girl now. More of you to love. More "po po zou".

Zoologists have found an African eel catfish that hunts on land by trapping insects to the ground before sucking them up.

Yeah, so that's what that fish does.

PayPal has announced PayPal Mobile, a wireless version of its service that will enable users to buy goods and exchange money using their cell phones. Transactions will be conducted by secure text message.

Instead of adopting a new piece of crappy technology using the wrong protocol, why can't we use the payment system that comes with our phones? The one we already use to pay for our calls and the text messages we would have to use to access PayPal Mobile?

In the future, a country's idiot level will be determined by the number of Kevin Federline albums sold, and the number of people that use PayPal Mobile to pay for their cell phone plans.

Britney Spears, you a big girl now. More of you to love. "Po po zou".

Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat.

Doctors are using Noelle, the full-sized blonde robot slut as a training tool in medical schools and hospital maternity wards.

Noelle can be programmed for a variety of delivery complications and for cervix dilation. She can also emit realistic pulse rates, and can urinate and breathe.

The dirty whore robot has already given birth to thousands of plastic babies and can be purchased for a minimum price of $3200.

Woo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo!

Illegal immigrant birds could bring the bird flu to the United States, and the US has revealed plans for dealing with a potential flu pandemic.

(Hillbilly voice) Don' be scared, be no pandemic in dem dem birds. I give you pandemic, I kill one dem birds and fry it up in pan. Eat it. Pandemi-

Each year, approximately 36,000 Americans die from seasonal influenza. A worst-case scenario pandemic could kill up to 1.9 million Americans. The US plan includes stockpiling millions of latex gloves, increasing internet capacity so people can work from home, and dispatching the National Guard to cities to face possible "insurrection".

(European voice) As long as I have my latex gloves, there will be no insurrection.

Not pictured here, Michael Osterholm, the director of Center of Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota, said "Most of the federal government right now is as ill-prepared as any part of society."

Also, according to the plan, in the case of a pandemic, President Bush and the department of Homeland Security would be in charge of coordinating the disaster relief effort. (worried look)

I'm going off to the gym today to try and balance myself on a moving piece of rubber for 25 to 30 minutes. Afterwards, I'll tell my friends that I ran for 3 1/2 miles.

And that's all that happened today. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

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