the show: 04-18-06

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(the commentary: 04-18-06)

Transcript

Did you know that testes are surrounded by the <tunica vaginalis>? I don't think so.

Good morning sports racers! It's Tuesday, April 18th.

There is a new guy at starbucks that really creeps me out. He keeps repeating what I say only louder.

Ze: "Can I have a grande half caf please?" New Guy at Starbucks: "GRANDE! Half Caf! You got it!"

In a perfect world, you and I probably wouldn't exist. So let's not hope for one.

Start stalking copies of 1984 in the political science section. Scott Mclellan today said that "We remain engaged in a global war"

<CloseUp region="lower half of Ze's face"> "We remain engaged in a global war"</CloseUp> <CloseUp region="Ze's mouth">"WE REMAIN ENGAGED IN A GLOBAL WAR"</CloseUp>

Mr. Mclellan said the President has a lot he wants to get done in the remaining 2 and half years of his presidency.

Oh boy! What more can you do?!

<Song>"Who likes..."</Song>

4 years is too long for a presidency. Most marriages don't even last that long

<Song>"Who likes... Who likes... Who likes the little little duckies in the pond?. I do, I do, I do, bachicka quack quack"</Song>

Sa, sa, sa, something from the comments... "sa, sa":

Kitze writes: "so.... apparently my power moves sucks.....oh well....i tried"

Maybe it's so good, it blew my mind!! Or maybe trying isn't good enough.

Jason writes: "Hi ze, are you ever creeped out by some of the weird comments people leave. Or fantasizing aside do you thrive off the unabashed adoration you receive."

Fantasizing Aside? A side of what? Bacon? Amanda Congdon likes bacon. And she has her own wikipedia entry. I don't. I think that answers part of your question. Do I thrive off of unabashed adoration? Absolutely not. I thrive off of cynical judgemental comments like your own, which come with the implicit assumption that you're better than other people. And Jason, I bet you are.

All you people care about is my naughty bits.

But seriously, I'm very good at the sex. I don't mean to brag, but I did take a high school course in "sexual education". If you show me a body thats been perfectly chopped in half, I can point and say things in latin. That's kind of like showing up for a drivers ed class and being shown a diagram of the engine. I want to learn how to drive!

After learning the names of things that we only get to see in real life for a couple seconds until the light gets turned off, we learned about diseases!

Ahhh! Eeeraghh!

That's like skipping strait from the diagram of the engine to what to do in a car crash. I still want to know how to drive!

There is one way to never get into a car crash. Don't drive!

The government has spent over a billion dollars developing or funding abstinance only programs for public schools. Once such program developed by Heritage Community Services is taught in Rhode Island public schools. The program includes a video that tells students that "girls have a responsibility to wear modest clothing that doesn't invite lustful thoughts". The host also explains to students that abstinence helped him to "honor my relationship with Jesus". Some couples wait until they're married before they ever have sex and then they only have sex with each other for the rest of their lives. They don't have to worry about whether they're good or bad at sex because neither one knows any better.

Besides direct experimentation the only place that kids can find out about the actual act of sex is in pornography. That's like learning how to drive by watching a monster truck rally. Since we never received any education about the act of sex every one assumes that they're doing it just fine. Maybe teenagers should have a kissing class in school...make them feel like they have to master the basics before they can move on. I'm just saying the more that I was taught about the subtleties of actually driving... you know... when it's dark out... when it's wet... the more that I respected driving itself.

And that's it for now, those e-mails aren't going to write themselves. <fake laugh>

This is Ze Frank thinking so you don't have to.

Sometimes I like putting my camera on video capture and then telling someone that I'm going to take their picture just to see how long they'll stand there and smile.

Ze: "Ready?" Random Guy: "Yup, I'm ready as I'll ever be" <laugh> Ze: "Ready?" Ze: "Here we go!" Random Guy: "Ok"

<crunching on pretzels> I dropped one

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