the show: 04-19-06

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(the commentary: 04-19-06)

Transcript

Good morning- Good morning space- Good morning Sports Racers, it's Wednesday, April 19, and this (holds up stuffed duck) is a duckie.

Some of you have asked what it is that I "do." What do you mean by "do?"

When people ask what you do, normally it means, "How do you make money?"

I do this for you, but don't worry, someday I'll be a corporate whore, and we'll both look back on today and say, "What were we thinking?"

Oil prices hit a record high, topping seventy dollars a barrel. Meanwhile, Exxon made profits in excess of thirty-six billion dollars last year.

OPEC released a statement yesterday saying that it believes that the prices are too high, but that the pricing mechanisms of supply and demand are outside of their reach.

So, too, are the muscles in my middle finger as it extends towards your face.

Tubby little bunny White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced his resignation today.

Dang!
Oh my God, it's a shake-up!

Commenting on Mr. McClellan's performance, President Bush said, quote, "I thought he handled his assignment with class and integrity."

No mention of excellence? Skill? Deftness? Artfulness? Basic use of vocabulary? Nothing?

The president went on to say, quote, "It's going to be hard to replace Scott, but, nevertheless, he made the decision, and I accepted it."

Right. It was his decision. I mean, I know it wasn't yours, but it wasn't his, either.

Bush continued, "One of these days, he and I are going to be rocking in chairs in Texas and talking about the good old days."

Yeah. (chuckle) What good old days?

All kidding aside, I'll miss you, Scotty. Yes, no, I, this is.

Also in the shake-up, evil genius Carl Rove temporarily removed his hand from the butt of his favorite Bush-dummy to announce his resignation as Senior Policy Coordinator and that he will concentrate more on politics in November's mid-term Congressional elections.

And that really was Carl's decision.

The BBC reports that in a test given by the University of "Looovin'," men who are exposed to pictures of pretty women are more likely to accept an unfair offer than those who are not.

Yeah. That's the business model for strip clubs.

Based on this research, the army is planning on using Hooter's girls to man their recruiting stations.

Testosterone levels were measured by comparing the length of men's index finger compared to their ring finger. If the ring finger is longer, it indicates a higher testosterone level.

(Ze holds up hand, showing that his ring finger is longer than his index finger) Right there. Yeah. See that? Testosterrific.

And now from Dirty Space News.

The first images of Venus's South Pole have been revealed. Mark Bullock at the Southwest Research Institute in Boulder, Colorado said he was, quote, "really blown away" by the quality of the image. Quote, "Clearly, this instrument is performing well."

Mark's instrument is expected to probe Venus's pole further.

Tom and Katie, congratulations on the baby girl. Katie, I hope she gets your looks, and Tom, I hope she gets your... (thinking) Congratulations.

CNN.com reports that on Tuesday (rolls 'R') Prrresident Bush sharply defended Donald Rumsfeld despite calls for his resignation from six retired military generals.

So you don't listen to protesters, polls, or experts.

Bush went on to show his deep and subtle understanding of the role of the executive branch and his job as president by saying, quote, "I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best."

You're not the decider, I'm the decider!
Aren't you supposed to represent someone, or something, I... (sighs)
I hear the voices (little duckies!), and I read the front page (read the whole thing!), and I know the speculation. (Rove has you on a leash!)

On December 18, 2000, Bush said, "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier. Just as long as I'm the dictator."

China's chief decider Hu-Jin-Tao is visiting the U.S. this week to soothe qualms about China's surging trade surplus and rising political power. Hu will visit the White House this Thursday.

I don't know, who?
What?
I don't know. Who will visit the White House this Thursday?
Hu will.
Who?
Hu.
Huuu!

President Jin-Tao tried to soothe qualms last week with a statement saying he was too preoccupied with China's domestic problems to challenge the United States's dominance in world affairs.

Excuse me, Mr. Decider, sir? Could we do that, too?

That's all that happened today. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

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