the show: 04-24-06

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Transcript

Good morning Sports Racers, it's Monday April twenty-fourth. It's come to my attention that a significant number of new viewers log on each day. Sure, they've heard the buzzzz but do they know what the show is really about?

Hi new viewer! Each day on the show I use the random contents of my pockets to re-enact the subtext of an Arthur Miller play. Today: A View From The Bridge.

(Keyring): "Oh Eddie, what have you done?"

(Small Tin): "I wanna sleep with my niece."

Are the new viewers gone yet?


In order to fight piracy, Warner Brothers' Chinese arm of its home video business is now pricing select DVD titles at one dollar and fifty cents.

Dolla fi'ty? That's cheap!

So if a lot of piracy happens, they lower the price. Hmmm. That gives me an idea. I should move to China? No... (Bites lip, pensive)

Meanwhile Americans continue to pay an artificially high price divorced from the cost of production for their DVDs.


Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have chosen the name Suri for their new-born daughter.

I'm sorry but Suri's sirry-- silly. I'm sorry but Suri's sirry-- silly. I'm sorry but Suri's sirry-- silly.


Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, seen here trying to high-five God, announced a proposal that would require the placement of government warning labels on websites that publish content deemed sexually explicit or pornographic. The proposal, which mandates jail time for website owners that omit the warning, has been condemned as antithetical to the first amendment by the American Civil Liberties Union.

Personally I support these warning labels. Like many Americans I feel that I'm exposed to pornography without warning and when I least expect it.

For example the other day I was looking for images of horny sluts. Not naked horny sluts having sex, but normal horny sluts doing normal activities, like horseback riding or talking on a cell-phone.

Without any warning I was exposed to pornographic images of people who didn't necessarily appear horny, or slutty. Mister Gonzales, I'm not sure what kind of horrible masturbation incident has led you into this war against obscenity, but I support you.

And I especially dig the mustache.


In an article on Myspace, the New York Times revealed that Chris DeWolfe may actually be worse at posing for photographs than Tom Anderson. The long-running feud over who is the biggest wuss was thought to have been won by Mister Anderson after he automatically added himself as a friend to the millions of Myspace users.


The Washington Post reports that Enron founder Kenneth Lay will try to convince jurors that what prosecutors call fraud was really the misdirected power of positive thinking.

Meanwhile, have you heard about these penis enlargement pills? They can increase the size of your penis by two to three thousand inches!

That ain't fraud, that's positive thinkin'.


(Slowly, sounding it out) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad... Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stated that Iran's controversial nuclear program is "irreversible" while maintaining that its nuclear research is for future civilian energy programs only.

The United States is looking for the Security Council to pass a resolution under the UN charter requiring Iran to comply with international law.

Iran, much like the United States, has chosen to only comply with the international laws that it finds convenient.


S-s-s-something from the co... co... (trying to hit the right pitch) co... comments.

Carianoff writes: "Seems you're getting a wee bit zanier every week. If this trend continues I'm worried about the whole blog turning into three minutes of fart noises and screaming."

I know reverse psychology Carianoff, you won't goad me into this little trap of yours.

The Washington Post reports -- ah, screw it.

(22 seconds of fart noises and screaming on the street, in the rain, and in Starbucks.)

And that's all that happened to people, this is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

Comments

Comment by Carianoff: 21 Apr 4:28p

First use of tags, Ze has since June 25th (I think) started to add tags for earlier episodes.

First appearance of segment for new viewers.

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