the show: 04-26-06

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Transcript

Hi first-time viewer. On this show we learn how to pronounce words both with and without consonants. Todays category: sexually transmitted diseases.

herpes... uh-e
gonorrhea... uh-u-ea
syphillis... u-i-uh

are the new viewers gone yet?


Good morning Sports Racers, it's Wednesday April 26th. Knowledge told the baristas in Starbucks what my name is and now I have to participate in banter.


[Begin Starbucks footage]

Barista #1: Hey Ze. Zay or Zee?
Ze: Zay
Barista #1: Zay. How are you?

[End Starbucks footage]


[whispering] I missed you this weekend.


On Wednesday, Iran's supreme leader, the Ayatollah Ali Khameini [Picture of Ayatollah, finger raised], shown here trying to get the check in a restaurant, showed off his deft skills at international diplomacy saying quote, "The Americans should know that if they assault Iran their interests will be harmed anywhere in the world that is possible. The Iranian nation will respond to any blow with double the intensity."

Ali, Bush wants to bomb you with nuclear weapons. [Shaking Head] You don't have any nuclear weapons. There's a lot of us that wanna see this resolved peacefully so stop being a dick.


Fox news commentator Tony Snow [picture of Snow, arms spread], seen here stroking an invisible giant's balls, agreed last night to become the new Whitehouse press secratary. Mr Snow [same picture], seen here judging an invisible giant tight ass competition has said quote, "President Bush hates responding to the press..."

[Cut To Ze] NOOO!

[Cut To Snow Picture, Back to Snow Quote] "... hates responding to political enemies..."

[Cut To Ze] Wha?

[Cut To Snow Picture, Back to Snow Quote] "... what he needs is a vigourous defense of his positions."

[Cut To Ze] And you're the man to do it! Mr. Snow has been assured that he'll have a role in shaping administraton policy.


[Picture of dog skeleton] According to the music industry news network, Munrab Entertainment plans to hold the world's first canine concert on May 9th in Austin, Texas. The event will feature live music that is played at a sound level only dogs can here.

[Cut To Ze] Featured selections of the show include <silence>. Feature selections of the show include [computer voice signing, ze's lips not moving] "Your Ass Smells Like Heaven."


[Cut to Photo of George W. Bush at press conference] Responding to the outrageous price of gasoline, President Bush, pictured here without pants and holding a duckie, outlined a plan on tuesday to cut gasoline costs and temporarily stop deposits to the US strategic petroleum reserve.

[Cut to photo of rubbery duckies] Oil experts say that the impact of witholding deposits of 30,000 barrels a day in a country that consumes over 21,000,000 will have a negligable impact on gas prices.

[Cut to Ze] Bush also announced a federal investigation into price gouging at local gas stations. Exxon made $36b in profit last year. I don't think local gas stations are the problem.


[Ze Singing] A special report on something

[Cut to Photo of Mary McCarthy] The CIA recently fired a top intelligence analyst, Mary McCarthy, for leaking classified information about a network of secret CIA prisons. Mary McCarthy's lawyer, Ty Cobb,

[Cut To Ze] Who names their kid Ty Cobb?

[Cut To Photo of Mary McCarthy] said that his client had never been granted access to the information she was accused of leaking.

[Cut To Ze] An anonymous government official said that McCarthy had failed a lie detector test.

[Cut To Photo of Pierce Brosnan as James Bond] CIA Director Porter Goss had ordered several dozen CIA officials to take a rare single-issue polygraph test to determine who might have been responsible for the news articles last year.

[Cut To Photo Of William Moulton Marston The invention of the polygraph test is often credited to William Moulton Marston, a Harvard-trained psychologist.

[Cut to montage of Wonder Woman comic book scenes featuring bondage] Marston also created the comic book character Wonder Woman. Early Wonder Woman comics featured Marston's interest in erotic domination and bondage. For example in this clip where Wonder Woman is using her truth inducing magic lasso the caption reads, "On Paradise Island where we play many binding games this is considered the safest method of tying a girls arms!"

[Cut to Photo of Polygraph Test - man in chair with strap around his chest] Marston combined his love of truth and bondage by making the polygraph machine. Because of controversy surrounding the validity of lie detectors they're generally inadmissible as evidence in court

[Cut To Graph of polygraph test setup] and it's illegal for private sector employers to use them.

[Cut to Ze] The government knows that the polygraph test doesn't necesarily work, but they still use it because it allows testers to ask questions that would normally be deemed inappropriate.


And That's all that happened today, this is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.


[Cut to Starbuck's footage]

Barista #2: Yeah we were. When Austin was here, Right?
Barista #1 (handing over coffee): Here you are.
Ze: Yes. Austin. I don't know him, Do I?
Barista #2: Yeah, the kid, he claims that you look alike. Did you meet him?
Ze: Oh really?
Barista #2: Curly dark hair, dark eyes.
Ze: Oh, Curly Hair?
Barista #2: Yeah.
Ze: Right.
Ze Voice Over: Oh God, please kill me.


--Derek 12:54, 1 September 2006 (PDT)

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