the show: 04-27-06

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[A video intro with music and the words "Those Brooklyn Stairs" flashing over images of stairs. The words "with ZEFRANK" appear at the bottom of the screen.]

Hi new viewer! Welcome to "Those Brooklyn Stairs". Today we're going to be spending some time with these dilapidated stairs, and we're even gonna meet the man who's gonna fix them.

These stairs have certainly seen better days!

To me, stairs aren't just stairs. Each one is a small, intimate floor that you have to stand on briefly in order to get to where you wanna go.

[Sped up]: Are the new viewers gone yet?

Good morning. It's Thursday, April 27. Knowledge needs a haircut. Fauxhawk or mohunk? You decide— not really. Join me as we clap every time the baby makes a caca.

Condoleeza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld, pictured here making fun of an overweight person, made an unannounced visit to Iraq to bolster the emerging leadership, and to suggest that the US military operations are working seamlessly during the transition to a permanent government.

Meanwhile, the Washington Post reports that the cost of the Iraq war will soar to $320 billion after the expected passage next month of an emergency spending bill. That number means nothing to me, except that the TV tells me that with the same amount of money, I could buy 320 billion double cheeseburgers. Why be fiscally responsible when the human brain of the constituents can't possibly handle such ridiculously large numbers?

Amanda Congdon likes numbers.

How do we pay for this war? The government's come up with some interesting solutions.

[Picture of Amanda Congdon fills the screen. The words "i like" appear.] The Washington Post reports that nearly 900 soldiers wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan have been saddled with government debts as they've recovered from the war.

["i like" disappears and "little duckies" appears.] The report goes on to describe collection notices going to veterans with brain damage, paralysis, lost limbs, and shrapnel wounds.

Sounds fair to me. [shrugs shoulders]

[Picture of Dick Cheney with his chin on his chest] Dick Cheney releases stills from a new exercise video: Chin of Steel.

Just like the Net Neutrality bill that got squashed in the House yesterday, the ethics scandal surrounding Jack Abramoff may be another issue that's too complicated to care about.

Das Washington Post reports that Republican lawmakers, pictured here having just kissed, said that they felt free to pass a relatively tepid ethics bill because their constituents rarely mention the issue. Way to do your job, fellas.

The Republican-sponsored bill, set to be voted on today, doesn't restrict lobbyists from giving gifts or food to representatives, nor does it increase the number of people set to enforce the lobbying rules.

CNN reports that Democrats call for new energy laws, but don't really say anything specific.

Jim Clyburn, representative from South Carolina, blamed the Bush White House for high gas prices, saying, "All he has to do is take a short trip to the nearest mirror, and he will see what the problem is with the prices at the pump."

Got it. Go to a mirror, and see what the problem with the prices at the pump. President Bush has been known for his nice pump.

Republicans responded with a proposal that would give every American taxpayer a $100 rebate cheque to offset the higher pump prices for gasoline. Sounds awesome! What's the catch?

"No, it's nothing. Nothing. Really, it's nothing."

The hundred bucks is packaged with a proposal to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for exploration for drilling.

"So what? Beavers chop down trees too. Stupid beavers."

[with a mouthful of food] Tony— Tony— Tony Snow... [laughs] Tony Snow quotes...

Tony Snow, the batter-up White House press secretary said, on President Bush's strengths, "George Bush possesses a gambler's daring and patience. He loves to linger over a controversy until his adversaries fidget and sweat."

Yes. It is difficult to distinguish who is stupid and who is strong. It comes down to the one who sweats the first.

Having problem with sweating? Use underarm sweat protecting pads.

If you're thinking about, like, advertising, that's how I would do it. I would, like, tie it in, like, seamlessly.

Crayola announced that it will release a new crayon color in tribute to presidential aide Karl Rove. Crayola plans to call the color "pasty-ass white".

And that's all that happened today. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to. I leave you with the Sports Racer logo pick of the day. [kerri's logo fills the screen as the music from the intro plays] "Sports Racer, Racing Sports! What is your Power Move? Sports Racer, racing sports!"

References Democrats call for new energy laws

Tony Snow on George Bush

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