the show: 05-01-06

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Transcript

Good morning Sports racers, it's Monday May first, otherwise known as Day [sic: May?] Day, keep the noise down, buy some flowers, and be extra nice, Knowledge just got its (muted, slurred) period.

You're probably having your (muted, slurred) period.

So they user-tested that Atheist videogame that I showed on Friday, and, unfortunately they told me that it makes a lot of, (shaking head) children, cry.

But I'm no quitter, here's a follow-up called Buddhist. You can walk around and say things, just like in Atheist. But when you fall off, you come back as a duckies . Kids love it.

More dirty space news: according to today's New Scientist, high energy jets spew from gamma ray bursts.

Spew...(laughs)

A New York Times headline from this week reads, "Democratic Hard Chargers Try to Return Party to Power".

(voiceover, while Ze drools) Hard Charger alert!

Sports racers, be safe. Hard Chargers are everywhere. Sports racers should use a wet piece of toilet paper on their face as a secret identifier.

Hard chargers are afraid of toilet paper.

The Washington Post reports that US forces killed a local leader of al-Qaida this weekend, dealing what US military authorities call, a "blow" to the insurgency.

Awesome, you guys dealt another blow? It's like blow after blow after blow.

Whoever blows the most people wins. Trying to defeat an ideology by killing individuals is like trying to save a marriage with a blowjob.

It might buy you some time, but in the end, it'll just suck.

Speaking of sucking, the White House announced that it would invoke the rarely-used state secrets privilege to squash a class-action lawsuit filed by the Electronic Frontier Foundation against AT&T. The lawsuit alleges that AT&T illegally collaborated with Bush's warrentless secret spying program on American citizens. The rarely-used state secrets privilege lets the executive branch dismiss a civil lawsuit if the case might reveal information that puts national security at risk.

So you're spying on us, and you've taken away any legal recourse for us to check up on ya. What a dick move!

Some people say that if you call the President a dickhead, you must hate America. People that say that are the same people that scream at twenty year old McDonald's managers.

(angry voice) The customer's always right!

It's not cool to call the President a dick because we're supposed to have respect for the office. Normally, respect is something that you have to earn, or it's a substitute for the phrase, "feel sorry for", as in "respect your elders".

When respect is demanded, regardless of a person's actions, it's called tyranny. Can you spell tyranny? How about foulard from the latest Tequila and the Bee promo from Starbucks.

I'm telling you, I could totally pull off seamless integration of advertisement.

(singing)Dickheaaad!

The king's having his...period.

S-s-s-something from the comments. Freshenszzs [sic: Fresheneesz] writes, "Have you ever noticed that on Dasani bottled water it says "No refill"? Where's the justice in that?"

(higher-pitched, Valley girl-esque) Where's the justice in that? (regular voice) You just summed up the tepid subconscious slogan of the Democratic Party for the last six years.

Where's the justice in that?

Petition signing party at MoveOn.

While Democrats stand shivering, shielding their crotch from the upcoming November elections, Republican Senator Arlen Specter has grown a nutsack larger than his nose. Senator Specter has threatened to cut off funding for the White House's secret wiretaps, saying, quote, "Institutionally, the presidency is walking all over Congress at the moment."

Oh, you a badass!

Referring to a meeting that he had with the President on Wednesday, Specter said, quote, "I made the point that the President doesn't have a blank check. He didn't choose to engage me on that point."

Daaaang!

And he wasn't done! He went on to say, "What's the use in passing another statute if the President won't pay any attention to it? When you're talking about withholding funds, then you're talking about a real authority."

Smack! You got serrrved!

This evening, I'll be flying to France to try and purchase one of these "burning cars" I keep hearing about. Knowledge goes to Europe. Oui.

This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

References

Fresheneesz comment: 01 May 1:38 a

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