the show: 05-08-06

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Transcript

[Opening, music [anyone recognize the tune? please share with the rest of the class] plays whilst Ze sits on a couch next to a rubber duckie looking perplexed. Shots cut between the couch, the duckies and perplexed Ze. Ze rocks back and, glancing towards the duckies.

Good morning Sports Racers, it's Monday May 8th, the kick-off to 'touch yourself in the shower week'. Grab a loofah and a bonnet de douche 'cause Knowledge wants to watch.

On Saturday, I flew to Vienna, Austria.

In the airport I saw the coolest toilet ever.

[Cut to toilet. Toilet seat starts whirring and spinning]

Ze: Huh huh he he he

[toilet]

Ze: Whirzhhh!

[toilet]

Ze: Yah! Spin!

[toilet]

(whispers) I peed on the seat...

Six times.

Bonnet de douche.

Yehyehyeh

I flew with Austrian Arrows.

[Austrian Ze] Ve are naming our company Arrows, because zey fly shrough ze air. A-huh. Like our planes.

My plane must have been brand new - look at those fancy wings.

It was called the Bombardier Dash 8, or "The quiet one".

[Shot of Ze looking confused in the plane, loud engine noise]

[Austrian Ze] Ve are playing ze joke hier. Ahuh ve are calling it ze qviet vun even though it is so loud! Huh-huh. Ja. Lustig.

This lady has one really long arm. I bet she'd do great in the long-arm competition. Or she could write a book called "My one really long arm."

Either way, I don't know what the fuck she's smiling about. Maybe it's because the in-flight magazine... had duckies! And a picture of a flexing party.

I never get invited to those.

She looks nice, but a little uncomfortable.

B-b-bonnet, b-b-bonnet, b-b-bonnet de douche.

Look what I found! A litter version of the internet.

This used to be something that could convert carbon dioxide to oxygen using only sunlight, water and a few nutrients.

But now it's way cooler. It has two functions: you can either put little words on it, or crumple it up into a tiny ball and throw it.

According to the Herald Tribune, President Bush has started to make plans for a presidential library and think-tank after he leaves office in 2009.

What?!

Bush said, quote, "I'd like to leave behind a legacy or think-tank, a place for people to talk about freedom and liberty, and the De Tocqueville model."

de Tocqueville once observed that it's easier for the world to accept a simple lie than a complex truth.

Bush went on to say, quote, "I would like for there to be a place where young scholars can come and write and think and articulate and opine and teach."

Well said. I have a particular fondness for the word 'and' myself.

I think it's nice he wants to give the young kids a chance to do something he never got to do.

S-s-s-something from the comments

Neb2Cali writes "are you gay or straight?"

Neb2Cali, I'm not gay, but I like gay things.

You've probably heard about it in the segment

(sung) "Hi, I'm Ze, what's something I like that's gay?"

Gay celebrities! [background laugh track]

I think I know what America's gonna be for Halloween...

Argentina during the dictatorships!

We've already taken the rights away from the many to protect ourselves from the few.

Now all we have to do is put the military in charge of civilian posts.

Heeeeeeey!

The White House is expected to place General Michael Hayden atop the civilian Central Intelligence Agency.

Republican representative Peter Hoekstra has called Hayden "the wrong man at the wrong place at the wrong time."

Can you say 'Junta'?

(sung) Hi, I'm Ze! What's something I like that's gay?

Duckies!

Five years ago when President Bush met Vladimir Putin, he said "I was able to get a sense of his soul, a man deeply committed to his country and the best interests of his country."

Oops!

Co-president Cheney recently chastised Putin for using natural gas and oil as tools of intimidation and blackmail.

...souls can be hard to read...

This week President Bush got busy with German chancellor Angela Merkel's soul.

After a recent dinner where Bush said Merkel spoke of her childhood, he said, quote, "and I have to say I got a glimpse into her soul, into how she feels."

And that's all that happened today. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

B-b-bonnet, b-b-bonnet, b-b-bonnet de douche.

Notes

'Bonnet de Douche' is french for 'Shower Cap'

References

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