the show: 05-16-06

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Transcript

Good morning, Sports Racers. It's Tuesday May 16th. Knowledge is back in America. Don't give an aspirin, let's let that fever burn.

S-s-s-somethin' from the comments.

Conn Conn writes, "I dont feel like a full fledged member of the league of awesomeness. Is there a way i can feel this way? [sic]" Conn Conn, I believe you speak for many. Let's ask the League of Awesomeness.

(wowowo sound effect) (Envelope appears suddenly)

It says right here that the League of Awesomeness has a challenge for all Sports Racers to make the world even more awesome.

The League of Awesomeness has discovered that never before have two pieces of bread been simultaneously placed on the ground directly opposite each other on the globe, thus making an Earth sandwich. The fact that the Earth has never been a sandwich is probably why things are so fucked up.

The first team to document and prove that they've successfully made an Earth sandwich will get a League of Awesomeness certificate and something else. The challenge will run through 300 arbitrary units of time.

It won't be easy Sports Racers, that's why you've been provided with the "If The Earth Were A Sandwich Data Visualization, Find My Opposite Tool". You can find it by clicking on the link below. Even if you can't compete, you can show your support by uploading a picture of yourself laying a piece of bread on the ground to the "If The Earth Were A Sandwich Gallery". Make sure the title includes the town your doing it in, and if your really cool put in the coordinates from the "Find The Opposite Tool".

In many places it's almost impossible. For example, my opposite is in the Indian ocean.

(Song)

As I lay this bread on the ground
I know my job ain't done
It leaves the Earth open-faced
and over-exposed to the Sun, alright
If the Earth were a sandwich
We'd get along so well
We could feed everybody
with a piece of ourselves
As I lay this bread on the ground
I know my job ain't done, but
If the Earth were a sandwich
We would all be one.. sandwich

Conn Conn, I hope that answers your question.

Last night, President Bush looked incredibly comfortable on camera (quick cut to uncomfortable-faced Ze) as he released his version of a comprehensive plan to deal with immigration. The plan includes deploying 6,000 National Guard members to the Southern border. The President said, "This initial commitment of Guard members would last for a period of one year after that the number of Guard forces would be reduced."

It's weird, that sounds so familiar.

The President went on to say, "The United States is not going to militarize the Southern border."

(Confused laughing) What?

The President concluded by saying that America remains what she has always been: "the great hope on the horizon."

Horizon? Why isn't it here? Sounds like a single slice of bread on the ground to me.

This is Ze Frank thinking so you don't have to.

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