the show: 05-19-06

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Transcript

Hi new viewer, welcome to how to quit smoking, the easy way. By following these simple steps you can quit smoking too.

In order to quit you have to start.

  • 1. Start smoking at the age of eighteen as a way to meet people on a European backpacking trip.
  • 2. For the next four years smoke two or three cigarettes a week timed to win attractive members of the opposite sex who're outside of a party smoking.
  • 3. In your mid-twenties start smoking five cigarettes a day with the conviction that you can quit any time.
  • 4. In you late twenties join a firm and start smoking half a pack a day when you realize that all the major decisions are made during smoke breaks.
  • 5. After a difficult period in your early thirties start smoking a pack a day because you're convinced that it relieves tension.
  • 6. Start carrying the fear of death with you on daily basis.
  • 7. In an attempt to cut back smoke four cigarettes and throw the rest in the garbage.
  • 8. Contemplate addiction while groping through the garbage.
  • 9. Quit cold turkey and start running.
  • 10. Start smoking again while still trying to run.
  • 11. Quit, this time with the patch.
  • 12. Use Google to research the effects of smoking while on the patch.
  • 13. Smoke while on the patch.
  • 14. Quit and announce it to your friends.
  • 15. Buy a pack smoke two cigarettes and throw the rest in the toilet.
  • 16. Buy a pack smoke two cigarettes throw the rest in the toilet.
  • 17. Buy a pack smoke two cigarettes and throw the rest in the toilet.
  • 18. Quit.
  • 19. Smoke.
  • 20. Quit and hope to god it's the last time.

See? It's easy.

Are the new viewers gone yet?

GMSRs, it's Friday May nineteenth, knowledge would like to thank boingboing dot net for raising awareness for the "if the earth were a sandwich"-project, the most promising team so far in Spain and New Zealand.

CNN reports that President Bush and the Senate are moving forward on a proposal for immigration reform.

Bush sent Congress a request for 1.9 billion dollars to cover the cost of the plan he outlined on Monday including a 700-mile-long fence on the boarder of Mexico.

On Monday the president said that the United States is not going to militarize the southern boarder.

Not militarizing will include the administration turning to big military contractors Lockheed Martin, Raytheon and Northrup Grumman to bid on the massive boarder project.

(chants) Say the opposite, say the opposite, say the same thing, say the same thing

Bush went on went on to say quote Mexico is our neighbor and our friend.

Friend?

Bill! What's up? No, you can't come in. How ya been? Watch out for the dogs. Hey by the way thanks for all the work you did on the house. I threw a handful a nickels into your yard, so we're even. And by the way I love your wife's cooking. Could you ever send the recipe over? I wanna do the same thing but with more cheese and bigger portions. (winks) Thanks buddy.

Despite his recent single-piece-of-bread-on-the-ground proposal, president Bush has made a concerted effort to reach out to Mexican immigrants.

At a gathering at the Whitehouse Bush acknowledged his appreciation of immigrants saying quote they bring to America the values of faith in God, love of family, hard work and self-reliance - the values that made us a great nation to begin with.

God, work, family. Feels like you left some out.

For some reason, freedom from tyranny didn't make the list.

During yesterday's confirmation hearings, general Michael Hayden urged senators to suspend debate about CIA failures and give the agency a chance to rebound.

God, work and family - doesn't say anything about dissent.

Dirty Science.

According to the New Scientist there's evidence that early humans had sex with early chimpanzees over a million years after we evolutionarily diverged.

Although not noted in the article, this research provides important clues as to when the first alcoholic beverage was created.

Mom, Dad, I dated me a monkey. She real nice.

CNN's headline on the story reads, "DNA study: Human-chimp split was messy"

Yeah, you try having sex with a monkey. Sure, they have opposable thumbs, but they sure can't put the lid back on the mayonaise jar.

(various monkey-like sound effects)

S-s-s-something from the comments.

No soap writes: "I am simultaneously overjoyed and frightened for tomorrow is Hawaiian shirt Friday."

Whooaa! You guys must be crazy!

In my old job we had special days too.

Like "vaguely feel like you're being taken advantage of" Thursdays,

and "Try to say 'bacon' in a staff meeting" Mondays.

"Lie and say you're busy" Wednesdays,

"ogle at a co-worker you'd never find attractive at a random bar" Tuesdays...

But "Hawaiian shirt" Fridays?

That's just awesome.

Look out Sports Racers, Monday finally brings King of the Hill comments. This is Ze Frank thinking so you don't have to.

And we end on a Tuesday tip three days late from Chelsea Peretti.

Hey there. I'm Chelsea Peretti with a parenting tip. Do you have a newborn? And do you have one of these guys. This is a radiator. And what happens is warmth is traveling all throughout here, all in through here. And what do babies love and need and crave? Warmth. So what you can do is you can just grab any kind of pillow, a new-born sized pillow, and you toss it on top of that radiator, making sure it's got a good balance. And then you can just set your baby right on top of here, so it's got the warmth, it's got the comfort, and your baby's all set. Happy travels.

Comments

Comment by n0s0ap: 18 May 7:43p

Second (?) appearance of Chelsea Peretti.

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