the show: 07-05-06

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Transcript

Och, Gahd.

[---]

Good morning Sports Racers, it's July fifthuh. Knowledge says ask someone how they're doing and don't give up until they tell you the truth day.

Och, Gahd.

It was so hot this weekend!

When it's hot, some people insist on taking hot showers because they say it feels cooler when they get out.

That's stupid!

When I converse with those people, I start by kicking them in the nuts! That way, the rest of the conversation is less painful.

I would like to make a metaphor.

Ok.

How is this done?

Uhh, a metaphor is where you use a word that usually designates one thing to designate something else.

Oh, lying! I do that.

Sort of. The alternate designation should bring along its own poetic and therefore confusing context to make you seem smarter than you really are. For example, sea of troubles where my cat is my lifeboat. By using poetic metaphors, we split the difference between truth and beauty in order to get laid.

You are a budding flower whose scent I drink in by the gallon.

Oh, you mean a metaphor is like an analogy!

No, that's an analogy.

As if!

Exactly.

Jokes for nerds! Jokes for nerds!

Yesterday was the 4th of July; many foreigners are naked right now, and confused about the significance of this holiday. To understand why we as a nation come together and get so drunk, one must understand the history.

Long before the discovery of wigs by gay people, there lived an ancient race of wig-wearing people called the Brita'ins. The Brita'ins sailed around the world unfairly imposing their values on foreign places, like New Jersey. Quickly running out of people to impose their own values on, the American colonists demanded the right to do it themselves. What's worse is the Brita'ins had an unfair taxation policy. Specifically, the Brita'ins fucked with something at the core of the budding American identity. The hot dog.

The hot dog is a purely American invention, despite what German revisionists say, and is the coming together of many different creatures, even parts of creatures all forming a single entity protected from the outside world. The Brita'ins wanted to tax the hot dog separately for each animal used in its making. For each animal used that made a distinct sound, the hot dog would receive an additional tax.

Mooooo!

Reeee!

Buc-kaaa!

Because of this injustice, the Americans fought and won a war against the Brita'ins. When it was over, a bunch of rich guys got together and signed a piece of paper that said it was over. That day, which up until that point was only referred as the day after the 3rd of July, was named the 4th of July. In modern times, Americans celebrate this event by grilling hot dogs over hot coals and eating them. In the evening, Americans come together in throngs to form symbolic hot dogs that roast underneath firework coals in the sky. As each firework explodes, the crowd pays tribute to the animals which ignited our call for independence.

oooo!

eeee!

Bkaaa!

This is zefrank sharing culture so you don't have to.

Fabulosos, B to D3.

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