the show: 07-10-06

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Transcript

I have the Monday gloomies.

Good morning sports racers. It's Monday July 10th. I got sick this weekend and Knowledge doesn't even care.

Sweet! Sick in the summer time, at least it's hot out. Yeah, Awesome, but I have air-conditioning.

Cool, that way you can sweat AND be cold.

[coughs] Yeah.

When I was in line at Starbucks I coughed up a lugey and didn't have anywhere to spit it.

Mmm...did it taste like peanut butter?

It sure did.

At least my zit went away, so I feel pretty good.

So what the fuck's that thing in the middle of your nose?

Oh, that's just a wound. Some capillaries were trying to escape from my face, so I had 'em cauterized off.

It's barely noticeable.

[Applies concealer to his nose - grins weakly]

What is?

God you're a sissy. That's lying, by the way; You're trying to deceive people into thinking your nose isn't as fucked up as it really is.

Girls do it all the time. They dye their hair to make me think they're blonde, wear high heels so I think they're taller, put red stuff on their cheeks so I think they're all heathy, wear those bras that make it look like they have anti-gravity boobs. Laugh at my jokes. Tell me they don't mind when I say I don't wanna go shopping. Remove hairs that grow back. And then they yell at me for lying about wearing their underwear.

(Not really. I don't even fit in their tiny little underwear. Stupid panties.)

I found something else on my face I want removed—an orifice. It's all wet and hot and it produces mucous. And you have to clean it or else it smells bad. And I think if you follow it all the way it's connected to my…asshole.

Uuuuuuuuuh! Maybe I can have that cauterized too.

CNN continues to display its cool sense of humor by having a separate section called "Entertainment".

This weekend's entertainment reported that Senator Orrin Hatch - seen here executing his own version of sniff-hook-rub-power - helped secure the release of Atlanta R&B producer Dallas Austin after he was busted carrying cocaine in Dubai. Austin had been sentenced to 4 years in jail for carrying 1.26 grams of cocaine, but was promptly released after a phone call from Hatch.

Both Hatch, a musician in his own right, and Austin share the same entertainment lawyer, Joel Katz.

On HatchMusic.com, one can listen to the senator's classics such as "America Rocks," "I am Happy," and "The Answer's Not in Washington". Unless you get busted with coke in Dubai.

Oddly missing from the website are my personal Hatch favorites: God Bless America I Just Snorted Gak Off a Hooker's Ass, and Don't Skimp on my Line Bitch I'm Constipated.

In a statement senator Hatch said he was confident Austin would, "Learn from this experience."

I think we all learned a lesson. Be rich, share a lawyer with a politician, and for god's sake finish all your coke before you travel.

This is Ze Frank proppin' it up and knocking it down so you don't have to.

[coughs] Ehhh.

Hey Fabulosos where's your move? Do that again you forfeit your turn. Dang.

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