the show: 07-19-06

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Good morning, Sports Racers, it's Wednesday, July 19th, it's still hot as hell, and I'm getting grumpy.


Leaders of the world's top eight economic powers recently met to shoot the shi— (covers his mouth)

(over slowed-down footage of George W. Bush eating with his mouth open) The G8 summit is a chance for leaders to kick it old school while they discuss world issues and, yes, eat with their mouths open.

Remember when we caught Chirac in a corner, pickin' a wedge? And Putin! Man, that dude can make some fart noises with his armpit.

"You want some diplomacy? Here it is. Plllblpbllbpt!"

Those dudes can party.

A microphone that was accidentally left on allowed the world to get a peek at the deft political magic that happens between Bush and Blair.

BUSH: See, the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doin' this shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit and it's over.

Ah, the subtlety of a statesman.

BUSH: shit-shit

Television networks that show this footage are potentially subject to the tenfold increase in fines for on-air profanity that President Bush signed into law on June 15.

The shitty-shit-shit President Bush was referring to is the ongoing crisis between Israel and Hezbollah.

Hezbollah is a militant Shi'a Islamic group which was founded in 1982 to fight the Israeli defense forces who occupied southern Lebanon. "Hezbollah" literally translates to "Party of God", the kind of party, according to the flag, where you bring your own gun.

From what I've read, when God really puts his weight behind something, things like guns don't make that much of a difference.

BUSH: shit-shit

For the last twenty years or so, Hezbollah has been carrying out attacks against Israel for what it perceives to be the injustice caused during and after the Israeli occupation of Lebanon.

Because of widespread popular support and the alleged military backing of both Syria and Iran, the Lebanese government has not been able to rein them in.

Recently Hezbollah kidnapped two Israeli soldiers.

Israel, with a clear military advantage, responded by bombing the shit out of Lebanon.

Hezbollah then started firing rockets into Israel.

BUSH: shit-shit

Meanwhile, lots of civilians are being killed, and the international community is trying to figure out how to stop this shit.

Tony Blair and others are in favor of using an international force that would aid the Lebanese military in putting a stop to Hezbollah's actions.

When asked about U.S. troops, Tony Snow, the White House spokesman, said, "We have lots of them. They are elsewhere."

BUSH: shit-shit-shit-shit

A further complication is that Israeli forces have started bombing the barracks of the Lebanese military that the international forces would ultimately aid.

Bush, who imagines Hezbollah to be a relatively small and confined group of militants with good cell phone coverages, thinks that the answer is in Syria.

During the overheard conversation at the G8, Bush said, quote, "I feel like telling Kofi to get on the phone with Assad and make something happen."

Bush apparently lost the Syrian's President's cell phone number right around the time when he included him in the Axis of Evil.

While Bush glares at Kofi and delicately eats a dinner roll like it was cud, Israel is taking the matter into its own hands.

Seizing on the opportunity, Israel has said that it plans on removing the Hezbollah threat altogether by force.

Because Hezbollah is amorphous and decentralized, and as much an ideology as a group, this has meant the mass destruction of civilian infrastructure.

The fear is, that in its massive response, Israel is playing into Hezbollah's hands.

What some call a disproportionate use of force could further radicalize civilians and create exactly the conditions that caused Hezbollah to emerge to begin with.

While President Bush has been made fun of in the past for his less-than-adept use of language, in this case, the word "shit" is pretty much dead-on.

This is Ze Frank, compiling so you don't have to.

BUSH: shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit

(Black screen.)

BUSH: shit

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