the show: 07-25-06

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Transcript

Aggg-huh-wubuhbuhbuh. Listen to me!

Good morning, Sports Racers, it's Tuesday July 25th. It's Contort Your Face in the Mirror Like You Never Would in Real Life Even Though You Think You Do Day.

(Contorts his face several times.)

You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about.

The news is depressing.

Secretary of State w:Condoleezza Rice is headed off to the Middle East this Sunday; first stop, Beirut. While meeting with Prime Minister w:Fuad Saniora, Condoleezza used body language to sum up U.S. support for the weak Lebanese government.

Last week, White House spokesman w:Tony Snow vowed that Condoleezza would not travel to the region with an empty satchel. After today's meetings with Israeli Prime Minister w:Ehud Olmert, Condoleezza unveiled some of the contents of her magic satchel.

The first part of the U.S. plan is a ceasefire. Many countries have called for something called an immediate ceasefire. That's where both sides stop shooting immediately and the international community steps in to see if there's a solution that doesn't involve killing lots of civilians. If either side violates the ceasefire, then the moral weight of the international community goes to the other side.

Condoleezza's magic satchel suggested a different kind of ceasefire: a sustainable ceasefire. To get a sustainable ceasefire, you keep shooting until one side doesn't have the ability to shoot anymore. Although civilians probably get killed in this scenario, the idea is that, from that point forward, they probably won't anymore.

After this sustainable ceasefire is met, the magic satchel suggests that a large international force take over southern Lebanon. Unfortunately, no one except the satchel knows where these troops will come from. The New York Times reports that the U.S. has already bowed out, NATO and Britain feel that "its troops are already overcommitted", and Germany says it's "willing to participate only if w:Hezbollah . . . agrees to it"; fat chance. Israel has also insisted that the force not just be a peacekeeping force, but also be capable of continued military missions against Hezbollah.

It seems like things are shaping up!

(Song)

Condoleeza showed up to the meeting late
Awkward smile, awkward handshake
And though they came out with nothin' to say
Don't worry — Condie's satchel's gonna save the day
Condoleeza! Condoleeza! Condoleeza's magic satchel's gonna save the day!
Condoleeza! The Lebanese-a really need the magic satchel to save the day
Oh yeah!

This is Ze Frank, compiling so you don't have to.

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