the show: 07-26-06

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the show: 07-25-06 | watch this show | the show: 07-27-06
cleaver, butthole week, fabulosos: b to a3

list of all transcripts | list of incomplete transcripts


Transcript

Good morning Sports Racers, it's Wednesday July 26th, I'm in the small provincial town of Boston. Rumor has it, they even have their own baseball team. Boston has a little bit of everything. Look! I found consumer created media! On the elevator, there was a reminder that things aren't all that bad. I felt like I should keep riding until it lit up.

Look! A briefcase sandwich!

If you had a torso balanced on your giant penis, be sure to point out exactly where you want them to cut it off with their cleaver.

Remember, threesomes are morally ambiguous.

Just like it's morally ambiguous to sit on your giant testicle with a unusually high up erection while you satisfy your fetish of watching other people push buttons.

I couldn't find a Starbucks, so I had to slum it on Dunkin' Donuts coffee. They recently updated their slogan to "America runs on Dunkin." We sure do, Dunkin'. They even have a little guy running. How 'bout: 'Dunkin' Donuts gives America the runs.' No . . . Hey, wait!

CNN reports that a whole bunch of people including Condoleeza Rice went to Rome to discuss the crisis in the middle east. CNN also reports that these talks failed.

The major sticking point was Rice's continued insistence that Israel be allowed to keep doing what it's doing until Hezbollah is completely disarmed. Thus creating a sustainable ceasefire. Everyone did agree, however, that humanitarian aid is a top priority. They also agreed, however, that the aid can't really be given until all the fighting stops. Thus, creating sustainable aid.

Efforts to rally an international force that would take control over southern Lebannon were delt a blow yesterday when at least three UN peacekeepers were killed by Israeli bombs. Koffi Annon has said that the attack was, quote, "apparently deliberate." CNN reports that the UN observers had called an Israeli millitary liason ten times in the six hours before they died to warn that the arial attacks were getting close to their position. Israel has strongly denied the accusation, and has expressed regrets for the tragedy.

The Internet has been all a-tizzy about the footage of President Bush trying to give German Chancellor Angela Merkel a backrub. Bloggers such as Christy Hardin Smith on firedoglake.com called the gesture sexist and said, quote, "This isn't a Sigma Chi kegger, it's the G8 summit."

To be clear, President Bush never belonged to the Sigma Chi fraternity, and instead was a member of Delta Kappa Epsilon. Yale's Delta Kappa Epsilon is famous for "Butthole Week," in which the new pledges walk around campus unwashed performing degrading tasks.

According to a New York Times article, on November 3, 1967, while President Bush attended Yale, DKE pledges were branded with the letter D using a red-hot coat hanger. In the article, our erstwhile President, who's since gotten used to his ass getting burned, defended the brandings, comparing them to cigarette burns. Cigarette burns are kind of fun!

Anyways, it wasn't Sigma Chi, and, listen, blog-lady, who the hell gives backrubs at frat parties?

S-s-s-something from the Comments. Mali writes a whole bunch of stuff, including "It would be cool if he" (meaning me) "made some sort of mechanism that would encourage" Sports Racers "to get together and make out and stuff. . . . Ze Frank Personals."

That smells like challenge. I will do this for you. However, before you jump straight to makin' out, how 'bout just something that lets you interact with Sports Racers that are near you? Believe it or not, making out is just one of many things you can do with another person.

It won't be easy to make, and I'll have to roll it out slowly. The first people that sign up will be the first people that get to use it. Look in the sidebar.

(Whispers.) Psst! Don't tell The League of Awesomeness.

This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

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