the show: 07-31-06

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Transcript

Good morning, Sports Racers, it's Monday, July 31, I missed you this weekend, and why wouldn't I? You're wonderful.

S-s-s-something from the Comments. Zocha writes, "Ze, you should grow a mustache."

Really? OK. (He shakes his head with accompanying bizarre noises. He now has a goatee.) Euugh! A goatee! That's stupid-looking. (He shakes his head again. He now has a mustache.) Wow! That does look cool!

(Black and white footage of Ze singing "Bow-chick-a-bow-bow" with a "Sports Racer, Racin' Sports!" in falsetto looped in.)

Ma'am, can I check the tag on your blouse? Huh! Just like I figured. It says, "Made in Heaven".

(Wa-wa-wa-wa-wow! Bow-chick-a-bow-bow/Sports Racer, Racin' Sports!)

Excuse me, ma'am, do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call when I found the perfect girl.

(Wa-wa-wa-wa, doongy donga doanga donga bow-chik / Sports Racer)

Excuse me, ma'am, can I touch your breasts with my hands? 'Cause my hands are magic?

If you have a cool mustache, the world is a totally different place! This weekend, I took the train back to Boston. I don't take the train much, so I don't really know the rules, like if you find the upside-down head of an alien with a soul patch and a testicle bowtie, hit it with a ladder. And remember, even though aliens may look different from you and me, no matter where you're from, everybody shakes hands.

The train was fun, but this sign, which remained lit for three and a half hours, reminded me that things are more complicated.

I found the cups, I even found the water, but I couldn't find the ice midget anywhere. I even checked in his little cubbyhole, but it was filled with trash. Prejudiced bastards.

The sign above me said that my seat was empty, but I was in it, and I'm not empty. Thinking about not being empty made me realize that there was blood everywhere. I was surrounded by blood! And semen! Gross! Trains are just big tubes filled with blood and semen! It's OK, though. In an emergency, if we have to get out, all we have to do is "pull handle-remove rubber". Classy.

Then I got to Boston. Boston's a pretty philosophical town. They reminded me that nothing's free. I decided to subvert that message. They even have spiritual reminders everywhere!

Boston must have a huge and important wang! Everywhere you look, you can't help but notice Boston's wang! All weekend long, this wang was filled with blood and semen!

(Laughing.) I'm sorry. I'll stop now. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

(Slowed-down footage of Ze shaking his head.)

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