the show: 08-02-06

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Transcript

Good morning, Sports Racers. It's Wednesday, August 2. It's Run-out-of-clean-underwear-and-contemplate-how-much-mileage-you-can-get-out-of-an-empty-tank-of-gas Day.

Let's see, turn 'em inside out; that's one to two days. Do a sniff check; if that comes back positive, turn them back around for one more. If it comes back negative I can freeball for one, maybe two days—depends on how hot it is.

But remember, visible usage negates the sniff test.

That's all up in my nasty!

The President's getting tubby! Like me!

The New York Times reports that according to his annual physical the President's put on a few, now weighing in at 196. At the age of 60 the President is remarkably healthy with a cholesterol of 174 and a standing heart rate of 46.

46! That's like a zombie. That man's heart is barely beating! Doo... dah doo.

How does the oxygen get to the brain?

Asked about the cause of his recent weight gain, the President replied, "I probably ate too many birthday cakes."

Wait! How many birthdays do you get?

Signing statement number 142: "Torture OK when I say so, and the President gets three... four birthdays a year—and gets to eat the whole cake."

I think he's been eating too many Sugar Tits.

Are you tired of those so-called "healthy liberal cereals"?

Sugar Tits! Delicious vanilla tits with little strawberry nipples! Now with more sugar per tit!

Try our new Brown Sugar Tits with little fudge nipples! Remember: warm up your milk to maximize flavor. Each box of Sugar Tits comes with two celebrity anti-Semite trading cards.

Aw shucks! I already have Frank Lloyd Wright!

In a White House press briefing yesterday, Tony Snow was asked about how the President feels regarding the recent Mel Gibson tirade. Instead of saying: "Why the hell are you asking that question on a White House press briefing?" Tony Snow replied, "The president believes in the forgiveness of sins for all who seek forgiveness."

I swear I've heard that before. I think the president's ripping somebody off.

In 2004, responding to Frank Rich's New York Times article suggesting that The Passion of Christ could fuel anti-Semitism abroad [1], Gibson said: "I want to kill him, I want his intestines on a stick, I want to kill his dog." I'm sorry.

This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

Don't worry, the Middle East stuff is gonna sort itself out.

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