the show: 08-14-06

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Good morning, Sports Racers, it’s Monday, August 14th – it’s Something From the Comments Day! A day where we ignore the rest of the world and focus on ourselves. A day when we pay tribute to our own diversity and our desire to be heard. A day when we celebrate… intelLECtualism.

CrazyAssAlex69 writes:

“hey ze, why don’t you talk about baseball?”

Top of the ninth, Democrats trailing by two – but I have to say, Tom, it’s a beautiful day for baseball.

   It sure is, Gary, but it’s a little hot. My thoughts go out to the fans who of course today were not allowed to bring in or consume beverages.

That’s right, Tom. As you said, ‘the terrorist bastards are not letting us get our drink on.’

   And Gary, just as a reminder, the network does require us to let you know that you could die at any moment.

A good day for baseball, as the Republicans take the field. The stadium is one-quarter full, a record.

   Hillary Clinton – The Notorious Switchitter – up at bat, while Tony Snow takes the mound.

Ah, that’s gotta make you sad, Tom. It looks like Al Gore, who’s technically not part of the team anymore, has decided to try and suit up anyways.

   Gary, I agree. It’s tough to see him try to squeeze into those tights and – is he pushing a manual lawnmower?

As you know, Al Gore retired from baseball after the last World Series, when what he thought was a game-winning home run was plucked out of the sky by a fan wearing a Florida Marlins cap and pulled back over the foul line.

Back on the mound, Tony Snow rubs the ball through his hair and delivers a signature curve ball.

   Lotta spin on that ball, Gary – tough to get a hold of it.

Wow! Incredibly, Hillary Clinton has switched stances in the middle of the pitch!

Delivering a solid, hard hit over the right-field wall!

And it appears that Chuck Schumer has jumped on Hillary’s back. That’s right, folks – this’ll count for two, tying it up.

   Oh, and Gary, the Republicans aren’t taking this too well. Their cheerleader, Ann Coulter, has given quite a display.

Good eyes, Tom. Is that some sort of a… hip-hop dance?

   No, Gary, I believe she’s pretending to defecate on a photograph of Senator Clinton.

Good stuff. Joe Lieberman steps up to bat for the Democrats.

Tom, it almost looks like the Republican coaching staff is giving Lieberman signals.

   No, Gary, that’s just President Bush giving him the thumbs-up. It’s part of his normal pre-bat routine.

The pitch is delivered and it looks like Lieberman has caught the ball! It appears he has tagged himself out and is now chasing both of the batters on deck with the ball.

Ouch! And he takes the legs right out from under Nancy Pelosi and it doesn’t look like Harry Reid stands a chance.

And despite Howard Dean’s screaming at the umpire, it appears that ends the inning.

The Republicans at bat. President Bush on the plate, and it appears he’s pointing.

The president appears to be gesturing due east, right in the middle of the field. The President is promising a home run in that direction.

The pitcher, Ralph Nader, a recent questionable trade, lobs one right down the middle.

Bush swings! It’s going, it’s going!

And it’s going. And it’s going.

And it’s going. And it’s going.

And, it’s going.

And… it’s going...

We’ll deal with some of the other comments throughout the week. Comments will return again on Friday to replenish the Comment Cup. Until then, I’ll see you in the forum.

This is Ze Frank, pitching obvious metaphors so you don’t have to.

(Hey, for all of you who don’t have money: New Cheap Shirts! Check the sidebar.)

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