the show: 08-18-06

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Transcript

Good afternoon, Sports Racers. It's Friday the 18th of August.

Today is Ride the Fire Eagle Danger Day! But that doesn't sound very professional. So I made a theme song!

It's supposed to be like, (sings) "Ridin' the Fire Eagle Danger Day!" It'd be a whole lot cooler if somebody made an animation for it.

Ride the Fire Eagle number one! Pissed-off Dutch farmers!

According to CNET News, "Farm Date"—a Dutch site which bills itself as a respectable meeting website for farmers—is suing Google. Apparently, typing "farm date" into the Google search engine brings up sponsored links to pornographic sites.

Those insensitive Google bastards.

Expected to follow suit is the Dutch livestock auction site Ass Traders, the Dutch barbecue chicken emporium My Big Red Hot Cock, as well as the Dutch feline bathing and hygiene site My Little Wet Pussy.

[singing] The Internet was made for obvious jokes...

Ride the Fire Eagle number two! Sustainable ceasefire!

The ceasefire in Lebanon continued to hold this week while both sides claimed victory. It's a win-win war! Hezbollah claims to have won simply by not losing, and by potentially exposing the weakness in the Israeli military. Meanwhile, Amir Peretz, the Israeli defense minister, said that Israel won because it weakened Hezbollah and made the Lebanese government's job easier.

Of course it's easier to govern! There's less stuff! And less people!

The war reportedly gave a boost to many local Lebanese politicians, who'd been running on a "fix the potholes" campaign. [makes a face] Arr?

President Bush joined in, saying that the conflict was a win for his administration's policy of encouraging democracy in the Middle East. The triple victory included significant civilian casualties, mass destruction of infrastructure, and an emerging humanitarian crisis.

New cure found for athlete's foot! Amputation of the leg!

This week, President Bush defended Condoleezza Rice's role in his administration's sit-on-your-butt-and-wait diplomacy, saying, "We want peace. We're not interested in process. We want results."

Sounds like diplomacy to me!

In the speech, Bush failed to thank some of the key advisors that had traveled along with Condoleezza Rice over the last month; for example, Elliott Abrams.

"Yeah. Listen, Condi, when you go over there, I want you to bring along this guy. His name's Abrams."

"Okay. Does he have experience in the Middle East, or...."

"Yeah. Totally."

"And he knows about negotiation?"

"Oh yeah."

During the Reagan administration, Elliott Abrams was indicted for his role in helping to sell arms to Iran in the Iran-Contra affair. He was later pardoned by George Bush, Sr.

In his new role as diplomat, Abrams has some big shoes to fill. A long time ago, there was a guy named Abraham who was pretty good at negotiating. It went like this: God appears to Abraham in human form and says that he's going to destroy Sodom because it's filled with sinners. And Abraham's like, "Well, what if you found 50 good people in the city? Would you still do it?" And God said "Okay, if there's 50, I'll spare it.". But then Abraham was like, "Forty-five's close to fifty, what if there's just forty-five?" And God was like "Okay, 45." "Thirty?" "All right, 30." "Twenty?" "Uh-huh."

So he gets God to say that he'll spare the entire city if he finds just 10 good people. Now that is bad-ass negotiation. Unfortunately, in that case, it didn't really turn out so well. 'Cause basically in the end there were just four good people in the city, not counting the angels. And one of them, Lot, offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of mean guys. So by my count, at this point, there's only three good people. But anyways, that's not enough good people to save the city, so they have to run. In one of the first cases of restricted journalism, God says, "Don't watch while I destroy the city." But Lot's wife disobeys and she gets turned into a pillar of salt. So that leaves two good people—the daughters. Anyways, Lot and his two daughters escape and find shelter in a cave. And then the two daughters get Lot drunk and they have sex with him. So... [raspberry] That happened.

Hey Sports Racers, last chance to sign up, cause the ORG is about to quack. And don't worry folks, it ain't gonna be a dating site. It's gonna be about being as awesome as you can be!

Monday is Something From The Comments day. Choose your words wisely.

Have a great weekend. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

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