the show: 08-23-06

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the show: 08-22-06 | watch this show | the show: 08-24-06
rules, cranky, colbert

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Transcript

Good afternoon Sports Racers it's Wednesday, August 23rd. I'm here in the provincial town of LA. I flew here on an airplane.

Just to review: If you're sitting in the middle seat of economy you get both the goddamn armrests.

During boarding business-class passengers are not allowed to look economy-class passengers directly in the eye. The reverse is okay: economy-class passengers should become acquainted with their potential overlords should the plane crash on a deserted island.

Although reclining your seat is technically your right, just like free speech if you exercise it to your limits everyone around you will think you're an asshole. In an ideal world passengers would push the bottom of their seats forward to recline. That way you'd give yourself less legroom and hook up the person behind you. Although it's technically your right to open and close your tray table often and violently to protest a seat recline,just like an protest if you do it often people around you will think you're an asshole.

If you're sitting on the aisle, you're the bathroom gatekeeper. With great power comes great responsibility. Practice sighing heavily and mumbling heavily under your breath so people can really understand the sacrifices you're making.

If you have a snoring problem be sure to try a couple remedies. Like those little strips [gestures] you put on your nose, or shooting yourself in the face.

  • cough*wake up*cough*wake up

If you see an attractive person in the waiting area, remember, it's a lottery: If your lottery ticket cashes in, you'll be sitting next to them and you can ask them questions like, "So are you visiting or are you, uh, returning home?" Just like the lottery if some of the numbers are right, but not all, you didn't win and you can't cash in. Staring at that person across a few rows which may or may not contain asshole babies is not attractive, it's creepy. And waiting until they go to the bathroom to try to pick them up in line is also not acceptable. "So are you just visiting or ... returning ... home?" "Isn't it cool when it flushes? I have to crap."

Asshole babies don't care what you think; staring at them won't make them stop crying. Channel your anger locally by putting your full weight on the reclining seats in front of you when you get up to go to the bathroom.

And even though it seems like a free-for-all, property rights of a seat extend upward into the overhead luggage compartment. If you sat down next to a big person, you wouldn't push their overlapping bits back over the armrest without asking. Try applying the same logic to luggage.

I'm sorry I'm cranky today.

Oh yeah, and write your own donut jokes. And stop ripping off the Star Wars kid. You're too good for that.

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