the show: 08-24-06

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Transcript

Good afternoon Sports Racers it's Thursday, August 24th. Holy crap, am I sick of saying that! Maybe you can help; send me your Sports Racer intro. Don't include the date, but make sure you say where you're located.

I'm out in LA, and it's beautiful... especially if you like strip malls and parking lots.

I just wish those stupid dolphins would stop taking dumps on the sidewalk. LA's just like Las Vegas; everyone comes out here to gamble. Except here, people are the chips. As a chip, you get to decide which of the giant slot machines you want to go into. To get you to come in, you're constantly reminded of the prize. I wonder if *he's* a celebrity. Once you enter the giant slot machines, you have something called a meeting. That's where the house tells you that a lot of things out of your control have to line up for you to win. But just the fact that you're there makes you feel like you're closer.

In the meetings, they talk about something called "TV." Apparently, it takes a lot of money to make shows that people will watch. It also takes a very long time, and lots of people need to be involved. That's because most of the time they have to make places that don't exist.

In one of my meetings I got to walk around in the neighborhood where they filmed Leave it to Beaver! ... man did I want to be Wally. All those houses were in the middle of a giant parking lot! By making all these places they create tourist destinations that don't exist, except on TV. Just like any other tourist destination, when you get there you feel like millions of people have stood where you're standing. When you go to a tourist destination by yourself, you kind of feel like a dick. It's more fun to do it with other people. People gather together in their dorm rooms and living rooms to go their favorite place; like Melrose Place. Remember?!

Watching things on the Internet is different. It's less like a tourist destination and more like that cool secluded spot you find in the woods. If people do gather together to watch, invariably they'll ask for the link. You want directions to the secluded spot, so you can go there by yourself or with a few close friends. It doesn't always feel like millions of people have been there. It can feel like something you've discovered. I-media instead of We-media.

The problem is that people don't always want t-shirts from secluded spots. And any tourist destination will tell ya, the money's in souvenirs. So people come to LA and gamble on having a tourist destination named after them. Everyone's hoping to have t-shirts and mugs with their faces on it. The odds however are so bad, it would drive most people to depression. But in LA there's kind of a cultural prozac. Everybody's happy and cheers each other on.

(Closeup of Ze supportively looking to someone on his right)
  • "You got an Alpo commercial?! That's awesome! That's totally gonna open up some doors for ya."

And just like in a casino you get trodded onwards by seeing winners among you. If I win maybe they'll make a place that doesn't exist for me. A place I'll never actually get to experience until I go home and watch it on the TV. If lots of other people come to watch that imaginary place someday the city might give me a tiny little spot in the real world.

(Picture of Michael Douglas' star on the walk of fame with stains on it)
Like where somebody puked on Michael Douglas.
(Cut to star of Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen)
Or where somebody should have puked on Mary-Kate and Ashley.
(Cut to Godzilla's star)
Man, I would have loved to have been here for this induction!

Once you have a place, people can fittingly pay tribute to your career by walking all over you for years to come. In no other city except Las Vegas have I heard the words "Good Luck" said as often.

So from one poker chip to another: Good Luck! I'll buy the t-shirt.

This is Ze Frank thinking so you don't have to.

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