the show: 08-25-06

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Transcript

{A Sports Racer performs the Sports Racer song on the electric guitar. Cuts to a Sports Racer intro. Subtitle reads "Rob from Orlando, Florida"}

ROB: "Guten nachmittag, Sports Racers. Genießen 'the show'!"

{Subtitles read "Good afternoon, Sports Racers. Enjoy 'the show'!"}

ZE: Whoa, that was weird.

It's Friday, the 25th of August. Knowledge says if you can't beat 'em, occupy 'em.

You know what today is? I do. It's Ride the Fire Eagle Danger Day!

{Ride the Fire Eagle Danger Day intro}

Ride the Fire Eagle #1: Pluto no longer a planet; continues to orbit Sun anyways.

That's bullshit—Pluto was my favorite. It was like that little underdog planet. All scrawny and little, out there by itself. I kinda felt for it. And it totally screws up that mnemonic that you use to remember the planets' names. I used "My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets". But now it's "My Very Educated Mother Just Sucked Uncle Ned". That's not very kid friendly. Assholes!

Who are these people? Shouldn't there have been a vote? You can't just change a definition like that. How do you think it makes Pluto feel? How do you think Tucker Carlson would feel if they suddenly said that the definition of man no longer includes "tiny, annoying prick"? For that matter, how would Tom Cruise feel? I'm sorry.

Ride the Fire Eagle #2: President Bush, "spakesmen".

With the November elections just around the corner, and recent polls showing broad dissatisfaction with the administration's handling of Iraq, President Bush got into the campaigning fray and lashed out against the Democrats. According to the New York Times on Monday, the President said "There a lot of people in the Democrat party who believe that best course of action is to leave Iraq before the job is done—period—and they're wrong." During the speech, Bush repeatedly used the truncated incorrect term "Democrat Party", causing many Democrats to say that it was an intentional slight. The White House dismissed the claims as ridiculous.

So, just... forgot?

Reportedly, the President honestly thought that the Democratic Party had lost its dick in the last election. The Democrats confirmed that they had lost their dick for a short while, but recently found it and plan on using it for years to come. Make no mistake, Democrat comes with a dick.

Uhh... {chuckles}

Riding the Fire Eagle #3: New "Survivor" lacks its normal subtlety.

CBS announced that the next season of the television show "Survivor" will start out with "tribes" divided along racial lines. The initial group of 20 will be split into African Americans, Asian Americans, Hispanics, and white people.

It's so obvious who's gonna win—bigots.

Mark Burnett, founder of Survivor—and a honkey—told the Daily Variety the point of this edition of Survivor is to show that when people are fighting for food and shelter, racial differences aren't so important.

Oh... Got it. Not important when fighting for food and shelter, important when fighting for ratings.

Burnett went on to say that maybe the taboo of race would disappear through this show.

Not racism. The taboo of race! Finally, the taboo will be gone!

Burnett also said that the challenges will not be themed to test racial stereotypes.

So what are they going to do, just sit around and do nothing all day? Oh, atheletic competitions? No. Problem solving puzzles? Mmm... Tiny dick bad dancing competitions?

Critics warn that it may be impossible for the show not to appear to leverage racial stereotypes.

Those Asian Americans with their love of elevators. Hispanics always using verbs. African Americans with their constant use of electricity. And white people with their obsession with lip balm.

Guy Aoki, the founder of the Media Action Network for Asian Americans, said that he would suspend judgement until he saw the show, but added, "It depends on how they handle it; it could be kind of tacky." Ya think?

The 15% off Summer T-Shirt sale ends this week. If you're naked, buy one now. Also, check out the new ORG snack!

Have a great weekend. Remember to send me your Sports Racer intro. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

References

New York Times: In Election Push, Bush Faults Talk of Iraq Pullout

Daily Variety: Newest 'Survivor' adds racy twist

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