the show: 09-05-06

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(Ze smiles nervously): Wow, that was a long time not to see each other. You're looking well... What do I do now? I kinda forgot how to do this. (laughter)

What do I do here, news?

(Ze burbles with more nervous laughter): Oh! Oh! Oh, wait! Someone sent me something.

(Tex): Guess what, Ze?

(Ze): Okay. I guess you're a huge nerd.

(Tex): It's Tex, and here's my power move.

(Ze): I win! (snorting and laughing) Wait... I usually don't make fun of people.

(Tex): (power move: flipping a trombone around).

(Ze): Tex, you clean your room and don't try to pawn your marching band moves off on me. That's no power move and you know it.

All right, all right, it's coming back to me.


The Show's almost half way over so I decided to take a little vacation. I went to a summer house. When I take a vacation I like to get away from it all. No work. I like to find a small quiet place to play with myself. Oh, that sounded weird. I like to find a small, quiet place to masturbate. 'Play with yourself'... that would be weird.

(Sketchy Ze): I'll trade you Mediterranean for Boardwalk. (shifty eyes)

(In a high voice): Okay!

(Scoffing): Sucker.


Not to brag, but I'm very good at vacationing. I'm not one of those PDJs. Personally, I think the Pretend Dream Job crowd is kinda annoying.

Setting their alarms for 9 AM and going outlet shopping, planting strange tulip bulbs from 3 to 5, spending hours trying to fix things they don't know how to fix. That's not really vacationing. That's just filling your schedule with alternate jobs that are better than your crappy one.


Yeah, PDJs are bad, but then there's the PFOs. Those are the people who Practice For Old-age. Go to sleep all early, wake up all early, putter around the house and read a chapter from an old book, get all excited when company comes to the house.

Heeeey! Another person to sit... with...

And they go to those farmer's markets. Farmer's markets! That's where you see how many shades of ugly nature comes in. And I'm not just talking about the farmers.

Tomatoes all lumpy-looking like they're not wearing a bra, corn looking like it doesn't shave its armpits, all kinds of brown spots and holes in the squash.

It's all natural! It's good for you!

So's my ball sweat. I'll sell you a jar for 5 bucks!

I don't take candy from strangers, why the hell am I going to trust them with mango chutney?

I like the free samples though.


Personally, I'm a medium-staged RTC man. Not to be confused with early-stage Return To Childhood. Early stage RTC are the infant stages where you alternate sleep and consumption of liquids. Usually there's a lot of burping and sometimes a little bit of throwing up. Early stage RTCers usually don't mix well with PFOs and PDJs.

Usually, I try to return to about 14. It's all about the games. And, just like childhood, that usually involves me setting up things like croquet and knocking the ball around by myself, hoping that somebody else will come along and play with me. I do it because I'm imagining the perfect game: everybody's laughing and having fun and I make the perfect shot. And everybody talks about it all weekend long.

(Disappointed): It doesn't really ever happen that way.

But in all that time I spend imagining, I forget a whole bunch of other things. And when I come back, the world seems simpler because of all of the things I forgot. And that's how the fun begins again.

It's nice to see you, but I'll miss Steve Irwin.

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