the show: 09-06-06

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Transcript

(Scottish black devil in the desert)

Good afternoon Sports Racers...from Burning Man, Black Rock City in the Nevada Desert.

(Cut to Ze)

Is it just me or did that guy have... a backpack on? Weird! Right? I mean what's a Scottish black devil in the desert doing with a backpack on? It's like: "Why are you wearing a backpack, you know? What's in it?"

(Jingle-type singing) News from the neighborhood!

In my neighborhood, somebody opened a pet store called "Let's Pet" right next to a Chinese restaurant. What were they thinking? This plays right into the stereotype.

Just for the record, veterinarians do not abduct Chinese chefs and make them into dog food.

No one would do that. Chinese chefs are friendly and cute. Sure it's hard to tell what kind of chef it is, by the time it becomes dog food. But I assure you, veterinarians only use Italian and French chefs... sometimes Mexican. Besides, they're bred for it, higher fat content. Chinese chefs are far too stringy, you'd be able to tell in a second. I guess all I'm trying to say is that if there is a Chinese chef you love and a complication at a restaurant, don't blame it on the vets. That's just wrong.

Congress is back in session and its coming up on election time. You know what that means... (Shows a hand signal) polls! Yes, that is the international hand symbol for polls. Whatever they told you in college... wrong. It means... (Shows a hand signal) polls!

Accord to in-depth news source, CNN, a new poll suggests that most Americans are angry about "something" when it comes to how the country is run.

- Something? What?
- Stingrays!
- Stingrays?
- They kill indiscriminately without warning!
- But why? What religion do they follow?
- I don't think they have one. They must be Atheists.
- Atheists. I knew it. Just like all the dangerous fishes. What are their political aspirations?
- They're fish. I don't think they have any.
- They're Atheo-anarchists!
- An Atheo-anarchist? Isn't that just like Hitler?
- No, he was a Christo-fascist.
- Whatever. If Hitler were a fish, I'm sure he'd ally with the stingray.
- Agreed. But what do we do? These Atheo-anarchists stingrays are hard to spot and they often hide underground.
- Well, they just killed one of the coolest guys in the world down in Australia.
- Now you're talking. First, let's send a team of divers down to Australia to fuck with more stingrays.
- Yes, that will keep them occupied and prevent them from coming up onto land.
- Exactly. Whatever it takes. Now, tell me what happened.
- Well, Irwin was stabbed in the heart while swimming in the stingray habitat.
- Ok. Ban swimming and ban hearts from any proximity to liquids.
- Good but I just thought of something. What about the people who like fish?
- The Japanese...
- That's right, it all comes back to the Shinto-Christo-facists!
- Well, we'll keep tabs on people who order sushi. But only internationally. (Wink)

(Back to Scottish black devil in the desert, in slow motion, sounding like the Devil)

Good afternoon Sports Racers...from Burning Man, Black Rock City in the Nevada Desert.

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