the show: 09-13-06

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(Close up of a guy's mouth): "Welcome Sports Racers. Starring Zeeeeeee Frank"

(cut to Ze)

Ze: He he. That makes me sound important.

Like I'm a "cewebrity".

I'm trying to be sheepish.

Let's take another stab at this college thing. Why?

(cut to Adam's email)

Adam, a soon-to-be college student, wrote me and told me that yesterday's show was discouraging.

(cut to Ze)

Adam, it sounds like you need advice, and I always say who better to take it from

Look, that asshole baby has candy!

who better to take it from... who better.. who better to take it from

For you, Adam of the email, I will attempt this.

But I will kill two birds with one stone.

(Ze looks to the side) : Stupid birds

(cut to panzyfaust's posting)

It turns out panzyfaust of the forest, I mean forum, needs help picking a major.

Choosing a major is kind of like deciding what city to live in. You have a whole range of cities to choose from, some of them you might not have heard of, like French Gulch or Ronkonkoma. Some of the big cities you'll recognize. You might have even memorized the skyline and imagined yourself being kissed on top of the tallest building. You know the names of the famous streets and have a postcard or two from the biggest tourists attractions. But you don't choose to live in a city based on the skyline or tourist attractions. Very few people live in those places. Now, your professors live in those cities and they're going to tell you what they think is important if you plan on living there. But remember, they're just a few of the many people that make it their home and each person's take will be unique. One may come from an important family that's lived in that city for generations. She'll show you all the old buildings and museums and make you memorize the names of the people who laid the first bricks. Another may have arrived years ago, young and broke. He may have lived in a crappy neighborhood for more than a decade and caught several venereal diseases before he found his place. He'll bring you back to that neighborhood and tell you to breathe it in. He'll take you to some dive bars and introduce you to some shady characters who urinate on old buildings and museums. And he'll warn you that you're never safe. If you're lucky, you'll also get someone who just moved there. Someone just like yourself a few years from now. That person'll take you to a small store they just opened up, and it's doing pretty well. He'll show you what he sells for a couple minutes, but then he'll ask you to take walk. And on that walk he'll point and say things like,

"Hm, isn't that something."

"Oooh, let's jump that fence."

"Look, the urine on that old building almost looks like a pony."

Your job is to listen to all these voices very, very carefully. The truth is, you probably won't live in just one city your whole life. If you're like me, you'll live in many. Personally, I don't think the question is what city is the best or most interesting. They all have museums, they all have playgrounds, they all have nightlife to a degree. And you'll always find friends. The question is, how do you become interested in the city you find yourself in. That's why you listen to those people. It's not necessarily what, it's their different takes on how to become interested. So don't worry too much about the major you pick, but make sure you know how to pee in the shape of a pony.

This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

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