the show: 09-14-06

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Transcript

(goldfish singing): Good morning...

A girl: Sports Racers, from Miami, Florida.

Ze: Girls are watching? I thought this was a sausage-fest.

Knowledge says it's raining outside, but keep your umbrella out o' my face.

Now bear with me.

A bear! (Ze looks left) Where?

(Ze laughs and flashes his eyebrows): Ha-ha!

(Smarmy-Ze): I guess I'd call it "intellectual comedy."

S-So while I'm quitting smoking I'm trying a little experiment. I hate doing dishes, so often I let them pile up and they get funky. But now, every time I do the dishes, I chew Nicorette. I'm hoping the nicotine makes me become addicted to that.

(Jonesing-Ze): Yeah, cool party, but you got any dishes, man? I'm jonesing.

(Smarmy-Ze): I guess I'd call it "intellectual comedy."

Political in-fighting continues over the president's 9/11 commemorative address on Monday, the Democrats charging that the president used it as a political platform...

(Incredulous-Ze): No!

...saying that he continues to link 9/11 to the invasion of Iraq in order to draw attention from how crappy it's going over there. Republicans disagree.

Go figure!

With the Republican majority leader, John Boehner, wondering aloud whether Democrats are more interested in protecting terrorists than they are the American people. Democrat Harry Reid, took the majority leader to task, but didn't want to make it personal, saying he has, quote "great respect for Leader Boehner."

(Close-up on the quote): He has, quote "great respect for Leader Boehner."

(Close-up on Ze's mouth): Leader Boehner.

(Coy German-Ze): Having ze private party with ze girlfriend? Don't forget Leader Boehner.

(Voice-over Ze): Leader Boehner, the original German prophylactic. Available in cow or sheep's Leader.

(Regular Ze): Man, you got a Harry Reid. (giggles) Let me show you my Harry Reid. Ha!

He put a Leader Boehner on that Harry Reid.

Leader Boehner? Sure, where to? Wait! She's got a Boehner?

Ha-ha-ha!

I wonder what his nickname was in school? John-John? Johnny Boy?

(Smarmy-Ze): I guess I'd call it "intellectual comedy."

Also in the news, an Air Force secretary has suggested that non-lethal weapons first be tested on American citizens in crowd-control situations before being used abroad on the battlefield.

Ooo??

Air Force secretary Michael Winn, seen here playing sniffy-sniffy dirty fingers said that domestic use would make it easier to avoid questions from others about possible safety considerations.

He continued by saying "if I hit somebody with a nonlethal weapon and they claim that it injured them in a way that was not intended, I think that I would be vilified in the world press."

So... what would happen here?

(Earnest-Ze): We could protest the testing of nonlethal weapons and then they could break up the protest by testing nonlethal weapons!

It's win-win!

Secretary Winn, seen here guessing that left finger is dirty finger, said the Air Force is unlikely to spend more money on the development of nonlethal weapons until injury problems are reviewed by medical experts.

This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

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