the show: 09-18-06

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Transcript

(Ze): Good morning S--, oh right, you do that now.

(Woman on top of mountain): Good morning Sports Racers, I'm on top of the Grand Tetons in Wyoming, and I might not show you the way to get down.

(Ze): Tetons means titties in french!


It's S-s-s-somethin' from the Forum Day!

Affablehipster writes, why is it impossible to snap with your pinky finger?

Good question affablehipster! There's a lot of urban myths about pinky snapping!

Most of you probably think that because the pinky finger is referred to as the sissy finger, it doesn't have enough mojo to summon the snapping fairy to crack her invisible whip!

That's Crazy! Snapping fairies don't exist!

And besides, science tells us that whips make their noise because their tips accelerate beyond the speed of sound. And that makes your own little mini sonic boom!

Some people think that macho snapping comes from the friction generated between your finger and your thumb.

That's crazy! Friction doesn't exist!

The cool sound of a macho snap (snaps), isn't generated by your thumb at all! Its generated by the sound of your finger spanking your hand.

Mmh. Hand spanking.

To prove it, try snapping into a paper towel soaked in hot sauce! (demonstrates) See?

(Ze licks his finger. Lucky finger): Mm. Spicy science.

Most men know this 'cause they've tried snapping while they masturbate.

But the hot sauce can be a bitch.

You can't snap with your sissy finger because it doesn't believe in spankings, and prefers to reward your hand for good behavior rather than doling out punishment.


Crackerjackflashdance writes, Can we go through a whole week and not have to hear about Bush or his government please? Can we just have this week's theme be happy?

Crackerjackflashdance, I wish, but it's a little more complicated than that. I've already decided that this week I'm going to talk about the ethics of abortion as it relates to the Bush administration. Today we're going to start by delving into the history of ethics. Ethics--

(Ze is cut off by the sound of an LOA letter arriving (complete with a fast, tiny chorus of the words 'little duckies'.)

Ze: A letter from the League of Awesomeness! It says right here that any comment read on the show must be fulfilled, as long as it doesn't interfere with Ride The Fire Eagle Danger Day.

Then the theme of this week has to be happy!


As punishment for my violation, the LOA requires that all Sports Racers dress up their vacuum cleaners and send in pictures.

Oh crap! I feel like it's all my fault!

But we're all in this together, right?

(Cut to Ze fixing a tie onto his vacuum cleaner.)

(Ze mutters): Stupid LOA. I can do whatever I feel like doing. I can do abortion, I can do whatever I want. Stupid.

(Cut to Ze's vacuum cleaner, all dressed up.)

(Ze in voiceover): This is Ze Frank, exploring happy for the rest of the week, because I have to.


(Cut to video of a Sports Racer Power Move.)

(Sports Racer): Hey Ze! Here's my power move! (demonstrates)

(Titles): You are now: "Randy Puma". Now go and dress up your mom's vacuum cleaner.

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