the show: 09-25-06

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Transcript

(Brunette woman, in front of a stars-and-moons backdrop): Good afternoon, Sports Racers. Welcome to my bathroom... and The Show.

(Ze, puzzled): Why do you have a video camera in there?

Hi, Sports Racers!


So we found Ray. Shhhh! Now we have to make his present.


S-s-s-something from the forum!

kow613 writes that after happy week, I should let the anger out.

The problem is, is that I'm not very good at it. When I raise my voice I get all shaky.


Luckily someone posted a link to show me how!

(Big-haired, bespectacled cable access dude): Just sittin' here, mindin' my own business, readin' Newsweek when I was assaulted by THIS!

(Cable access dude brandishes a glossy page of Newsweek called The Tip Sheet, with the headline "Want To Be A Video Star?")

In Newsweek? It's a thing about th-the, "The Show"? That I'm on? "The Show"? That's awesome! Waitaminute, what? Ze (He pronounces it "Zee.") Frank?!

(Ze): It's Ze. (Note for New Viewers: Ze is pronounced "Zay." Rhymes with "hay" and "way") But... who cares.

(Cable access dude): Wait a second! I'm on "The Show."

(Ze): Wow. It seems like both of us have a show called The Show!

(Cable access dude shows pictures and press clippings of a "The Show Live" logo and his friends): THE SHOW. THE SHOW. The show that I am on! The Show that's not Ze Frank!

FUCK Ze Frank!


(Ze, aghast, laughing): You did not.

(Ze, in a babying voice): Does somebody need a widdew attention?

Listen, Dweeby Von Asshat, I'm sorry I didn't come across your little cable access show in Dubuque, Iowa.

My cable box only goes up to four thousand.

But congratulations on the press clippings-- that from the Dubuque Telegraph-Herald? Or maybe the Fairfield Daily Ledger?

I have to admit I'm a bit behind on my subscription.

In all fairness, the full title of my show is "The Show with Ze Frank," just like the full title of your show is "The Show That No One Watches."

Although I did notice your video has been favorited 1 times. In your next video be sure to send out props to your index finger.


(Cable access dude, over a shot of Newsweek.): Okay. And here's the best part. Right here it says that it takes Ze Frank nearly six hours to produce this. You obviously fuckin' suck at editing!


(Ze, in a series of fast cuts, one shot per word): Oh-yeah?-What-about-this?

That's how you "editing!"

That only took me three hours, bitch.

Listen, Bungnugget McTurdbottom, I'll admit I don't know the magical production process behind cable access television, that platform that has launched so many a career.

It obviously involves taking a break from eating your mom's butterscotch cookies long enough to point your hairy ass at a camera. Oops! I guess that's your face.

I was thinking about calling your mom for some of those cookies, but in the unlikely event that your show was airing, I didn't want to reduce your viewing audience to zero.

Good luck with your show, weenis.

And thanks for bringing me back out of Happy Week, so I can deal with this crap we call "the news."

Jackass.

/end transcript

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