the show: 09-29-06

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Transcript

(Brunette young woman with hoop earrings, rushing up to the camera): Goooood morning Sports Racers!


(Ze leans back from the camera): Whoa! Hello!


(Ze uses his most flat and uninflected tone): How to piss off someone from Kansas City, #238.

Ah, so your local delicacy is cooking meat over burning wood. How innovative! I would check against patents filed on that process by cavemen.

How to piss off someone from Kansas City, #152.

Really? It's the birthplace of the outdoor shopping mall?

Thank you for that contribution to American architecture.

Oklahoma Joe's, respect!


Yeah, you know what today is.

(Ride the Fire Eagle Danger Day theme plays over video of a yellow toy eagle "flying" thanks to a visible hand.)

Um... I think we might need some new animations.

CNN reports that an airplane passenger was detained in Milwaukee airport by TSA screeners. Frustrated at recent TSA regulations, passenger Ryan Bird wrote "Kip Hawley is an idiot" on a small plastic bag of toiletries, referring to the TSA director.

The TSA screener told Bird that he can't say things like that, and tried to confiscate the toiletries.

Screeners searched the clear plastic bag to "make sure it wasn't anything like a bomb threat," citing that the remark was inflammatory.

(Ze gives a sarcastic dorky laugh.)

(Chuckling): So bad.

The TSA said it had no quarrel with Bird's camera bag, which bore the inscription "Hillary molests kittens."


Yesterday's obituaries mourned the death of Sir Habeas Corpus.

Born in the UK in 1679 to parents Mama and Magna Carta, Sir Corpus is said to have enjoyed horseback riding and Othello.

Originally the King's bitch, Sir Corpus made his name by forcing prisoners to testify in pending trials.

After a short but nearly fatal bout of colitis, he changed his strategy and began protecting individuals from arbitrary detention by the state.

Having emigrated to the United States in the late 1700s, Mr. Corpus continued to argue that prisoners should have their day in court to determine whether they're being lawfully imprisoned.

In recent years, Mr. Corpus' tactics of trying to protect the innocents have come under fire by the current White House. U.S. President Bush has referred to the elderly statesman as uppity and old-fashioned.

Mr. Corpus is said to have been particularly upset by the recent deportation and torture of Canadian citizen Mr. Maher Arar.

The U.S. sent Mr. Arar to Syria despite the fact that Canadian investigators said that they could find no evidence linking Mr. Arar to terrorist groups.

Yesterday Mr. Habeas Corpus was found dead in his Washington apartment, having been stabbed sixty-five times in the back.

Mr. Corpus leaves behind Mrs. Corpus and three hundred million children.

Please send condolences and flowers to yourself.



(Ze imitates calliope music with a quick "De-de-dede-dede-de-de-dede" over a shot of an open suitcase containing a plastic bag with the incription "HILLARY MOLESTS KITTENS.")

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