the show: 10-05-06

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Transcript

(Guy with very nicely groomed eyebrows): Good morning Sports Racers! I'm Tommy Both! On to The Show, with Ze!

(Ze giggles.) You're like me, but skinny!


Proper Walking Technique, Volume 7: Changing Direction.

Realizing that you're walking in the wrong direction can be embarrassing, especially if someone is watching you when it happens.

To change direction, you probably use this technique.

(Ze walks past a flight of Those Brooklyn Stairs, slows to a stop and mutters, "Shit!" Then he turns around and walks the other way.)

Say "Shit," then turn.

Although excellent for making your life seem important, Say "Shit" Then Turn still makes you look like a jackass.

To avoid this, change the focus.

(Ze walks past a flight of Those Brooklyn Stairs, slows to a stop and loudly says, "Eleven thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine... twelve thousand! Yes!" He pumps his fist in the air, then turns around and walks the other way.)


Misdirection! Miss Miss Direction!

Miss Direction, have you been sending inappropriate instant messages to minors again?

(Three turnips with faces drawn on them): We're wearing boxers! Laugh out loud!

(Miss Direction, a.k.a. a squash with corn husk hair and a face drawn on): Uhhh...

(Ze): Did you?

(Miss Direction): Um... I'm an alcoholic!

(Ze): Miss Direction, that war you started doesn't seem to be going so well!

(Three turnips with faces drawn on them): We're wearing boxers!

(Miss Direction): Uh... look out! Terrorists!

(Three turnips with faces drawn on them): Where?!

(Ze): But Miss Direction, your intelligence community told you it wasn't going well months ago!

(Miss Direction): Um, that's old news! I've got new news! Look out! Terrorists!

(Three turnips with faces drawn on them): Where?!


Today the U.S. Armed Forces showed that it had both balls and brains as it began to fill the void between "stay and die" and "cut and run."

According to the New York Times, the Army and Marines are finishing work on a new counterinsurgency doctrine. The new document swears off many of the aggressive tactics used in the Iraq War so far, and it instead focuses on safeguarding civilians and restoring essential services.

The new counterinsurgency program comes on the heels of the National Intelligence Estimate which in case you forgot said "Shit ain't workin'."

A key finding in the NIE was that embracing the Muslim population was essential in fighting terrorism.

"The Muslim mainstream emerges as the most powerful weapon in the war on terror."

In other words, you kill more terrorists with honey than you do with vinegar.

The new field manual lists what it calls the "Paradoxes of Counterinsurgency," including: "The more force used, the less effective it is," "Sometimes doing nothing is the best reaction," and "The best weapons for counterinsurgency do not shoot."

Despite the excellent guidance of meaningless blanket statements like "tough on terror" and "stay the course," the military has taken it upon itself to adjust to the realities of the modern world. And personally, I'm proud of them.

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