the show: 10-26-06

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[woman in very red bed with cat]
woman: Morning.

[Group of people in a dining room]
Group: Good morning sportsracers! It's the show with Ze Frank!
Woman in back right: quack!

[sequence of Ze head shots]
Ze: I know, it's late;

I'm sorry.

But yesterday was a travel day and I also seem to be involved in a nerd fight

[High drama Ze (in black and white) overacts/sings in hallway]
nerd fight
fighting nerds
we dont use guns
we use words
nerds nerds nerds nerds nerds!

[More head shots]
Ze: More nerd fight in the sidebar!

It's six days before the election and I find myself in the lovely battleground state of ohio.

[cut to cannon, pan right to hotel]
Check it out there's even a cannon pointed right at my hotel room. Not kidding.

[baby crossing sign?]
Pac man's getting old.

[Sign reading: "Please pardon our appearance while we make exciting changes."]
This is the t-shirt to get someone going through puberty.

[Sign reading: "?i"]
One of these two letter 'i's is showing off, but I bet he'd fall down if his friend let go of his butt.

[Ze's patented series of head/face shots]
I'm in the bustling city of columbus, named after the explorer that landed here many years ago.

My stepfather was born here and brought with him to the east a local delicacy which he would pack in my school lunches:

Peanut-butter, mayonnaise, and tomato sandwiches.

Try trading that for a pack of fritos.

Ze (sounding uncertain): Trust me, the mayo and tomato together taste just like jelly.

Ze: Growing up it was my duty to rid the family bathtub of soap scum that would inevitably build up.

I did this with a scowering sponge and powdered ajax.

You get that nice little green slime.

Some of that scum seemed to fuse into the very essence of what was that bathtub.

On several occations I half-assed it, grinding down the scum into an even shade of off-white that I hoped would blend into the background.

Maybe over time the tub would even slowly change color, eliminating my job altogether.

But one day, my step-father caught me.

Here's the thing, he didn't get pissed,

he didn't talk about the things I wouldn't be able to do until I finished that menial task,

and he didn't threaten me with punishment.

Instead, in a voice that was certainly disappointed he said:

Ze (as step-dad): Why would you do anything unless you were going to try and do it right?

[with Ze looking wide eyed/shocked]
Ze: uhh

[next, with Ze, lips pursed, looking ashamed]

[head-o-rama continues]
Now I can't say that I've lived up to that,

but I do think it's something worth living up to.

But I have carried it with me

back here to where he was born.

And I will say that over time I've found the joy in exploring certain details of my life for that doing-it-right moment.

Whether it's taking those two extra minutes to figure out all those knobs on that fancy chair,

or doing a little research on the best way to get the skin off a piece of garlic,

or busting out an old toothbrush to get that bathtub back to white.

In any case that change in perspective from getting through a job I don't like to getting it right

has been enough of a good thing to offset those peanut butter tomato and mayonnaise sandwiches.

[Head shot, with emphatic eyebrows]
Those sucked, yo.



Just not the same as the old days.

  • The only constant is change. It is in changing that things find purpose. [Heraclitus]

This show's sponsors - Gimme some candy

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