the show: 11-09-06

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Transcript

Good morning, sports racer, this is the show with Ze Frank and .... a whale!

Man, you must have been hungry. Heheh.

hh

S-s-s-s-something from the forum: Jen-underscore writes: Hey Ze, we're trying to hire a new web developer and I'm having trouble finding the right questions to ask in the interview. Can you help?

Jen-underscore, this [boob squeezing motion] I can help you with.

[sex toy] Ahh, technically you ended that with a preposition.

Stupid anal beads!

When hiring a web developer there's a few things to keep in mind. First, a good web developer does the minimal amount of work to achieve an acceptable result. To test this start by just looking at your interviewee. Good web developers will find a balance between their God given looks and choice in clothing to achieve a minimally passable level of attractiveness. Better looking candidates should have crappy haircuts and mismatched retro skaterware while those that God forgot should be wearing Diesel and a really, really big watch.

To see if they've hit that balance do a gut check on the fact that there is a 50 percent chance that they'll be masturbating to your image. You should shudder but not actually throw up in your mouth.

Kids, don't masturbate. Stay in school.

Next, take the web developer to the kitchen area. A good web developer will instantly recognize the model of your single serving coffee machine and will immediately tell you of a hack to get twice the caffeine into a cup.

Be sure to show the web developer the refrigerator and make sure your his or her Tupperware will fit.

His or her? hhh

A female coder. Hh.

No, but...

Don't dive into the hard stuff right away. Find out a little bit about hobbies and lifestyle. Massively multiplayer online gaming is a must as this how your web developer will express dominance in the workplace. Be sure that your web developer has a sarcastic and slightly clever handle Like Gnome Chomsky or Jemma Elfman.

Your web developer should have an outside pursuit like a rock band which they consider their "real" thing. Their real thing will come in handy in two years when their skill sets become obsolete and you hire someone younger. Your web developer should have quit smoking, but should be willing to start again once he or she realizes that all big decisions on job assignments are made on the smoking terrace. Choice of music should be eclectic and annoying when blaring from a cubical at 7 a.m.

Now you can ask about the work itself: Ask them if they can guarantee that any collaboration API is fully RESTful not CRUD based with no stinky XML, RPC or SOAP and fully XHTML 3.4 and UTF-9 compliant. Their answer should be dismissive, that veers towards defensive when any details are questioned.

Next, hand the developer a proposal and ask them to give an estimate. First, I'll show you a bad response:

That'll be around 8 hours. That's a little tricky. That'd be around 20.

Now I'll show you the correct response:

Hmm, [points on the sheet without looking] that can't be done.

And remember a good web developer never would say anyone else's code is elegant.

For a final test, take your web developer out for a drink. Good web developers can't really handle their liquor and they get slightly creepy. That creepiness will come in handy in discrediting all that shit they're gonna say about you behind your back

[In a drunken voice] g'gum ... project manager's a door knob off a barn... you know...you know what I'm saying. You know, sometimes I masturbate. No, it's not creepy.

Happy hiring!

Tomorrow is a massive travel day, so Ride the Fire Eagle Danger Day will either be incredibly late or will exist only in my mind.

Just in case: Have a good weekend.



This show's sponsors - Gimme some candy

Image:theshow-sponsor-3-0.gif    Happy Quarter Century, Kimberly Y! Love, S]

Image:theshow-sponsor-3-0.gif    ze for president! (duckie for vice-pres.)

Image:theshow-sponsor-3-0.gif    Hey Pooks! This duckie's for U cuz U Rock!

Image:theshow-sponsor-3-0.gif    Caleb Dockter and Jackie White Love Ze (RingTones)

Image:theshow-sponsor-3-0.gif    Lock it down!

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-0.gif    frank-ly, my dear, I don't give a ze.

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-1.gif    Thanks, ze -- great program.

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-0.gif    I'm a happy green duck Zan

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-1.gif    I am a black on black duckie

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-0.gif    Thanks, Ze

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-0.gif    Welcome back to the states Alice! <3 Sean

Image:theshow-sponsor-1-4.gif    Thank you for my daily thought and laugh

Image:theshow-sponsor-1-6.gif    I would pay to renew my yearly subscription


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