the show: 11-15-06

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(sports racers at Great Wall in China) "Ni Hao sports racers. This is the show, with Ze Frank"

So I’m in LA right now, doing the Hollywood thing. Sure there’s a lot of people out here in the, you know, “entertainment world” but they don’t (sucks teeth and taps side of head) get it, you know?

A lot of it is about pitching ideas, and not pitching. It’s like, “He’s not saying anything, you know, he must have a lot on the inside.” Cat and mouse, which one, which one shat in the tub?

I think the great thing about me is that I have ideas across the board. Um, daytime TV, night time TV, Film, R rated films, G rated films. PG’s a little bit of a dead zone, but I’m gonna take a learning annex class, and um, fill that gap.

I’ve got one that’s more like HBO or Showtime or the Learning Channel. It’s about a gynecologist who applies for a job but the papers get all switched up, and he winds up in a law office, and he doesn’t know! There’s like, double entendres and triple en… I mean it just keeps going, you know, and the whole thing is like, “will he find out?” The working title on that project is, “Legal Vagina” but I still feel like that’s a bit subtle. I’ve got another one called “The Angry Florist,” which is basically a gimmie. The title of it, just, like, draws you in, you know. You’re like, “I can see it.” But here’s the catch- he’s psychic.

(sniffs the air) “What’s that smell?” You know? (Sniffs again) “Oh, I know, it smells like a bidding war.”

I’ve got the reality thing covered with “Pimp my Towel.” Even thought there’s a small problem with the needlepoint union.

And in film I’m like “this close” to being done with a script titled, “Twenty Million Dogs.” It’s a children’s slash teen slash adult sort of “feel good” movie about twenty million dogs that get lost in the wilderness. It’s, like, a touching story about survival. “Will they ever get home?” I’m not going to spoil the ending, but there is a love interest.

I even have an idea for a commercial, it’s this guy who goes out to his lawn because his sprinkler’s not working. And he bends over it and he’s like, “Why isn’t this working.” And it goes off, and he’s like, “ahhh!” And he gets all wet, and it’s all over his face and stuff like that. Um, so that just needs a product.

People are always saying to me, you know, “it must be so hard to come up with all those ideas.” And I tell’em, you know, “no it’s not.”

(Screen blacks out, blinks back in)

Quick update, I just heard back from the studio, and they’re not cool with the title “Legal Vagina." For me it made sense because “Vagina” was the name that I gave to the gynecologist character, uh, but apparently vagina means something that I did not know it meant… So the upshot is, it’s either gonna be called “Malpractice Makes Perfect,” or “Where’s My Gavel.”

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