the show: 12-05-06
Good morning Sports Racers, it's Tuesday December 5th and Knowledge thinks you should transcribe today's show.
So pony up, settle the score, be the jockey, and let us all know what Ze's saying.
[music lyrics: Here comes Ze Frank, here comes Ze Frank, Right down Ze Frank Lane.. ...all his duckies...] Good morning Sports Racers, you're watching the show with Ze Frank. Snakes don't creep me out. hhh. Sssssomething from the forum. rrr. Aoife writes
boxers or briefs [Ze with frat-boy guffaw grin] auuhhh, that's good stuff
It says that you are from Bloomington Indiana, so I assume it's an inside joke, right? Bloomers, right? [confused] No?
Maybe that's because youse don't know the history of man's underwears.
The earliest record of men's underwears comes from prehistoric people who wore leather loin cloths. Leather, of course, is known for its breathability and the fact that it doesn't collect odor. hrhrr. Egyptians punted on the leather opting instead for a cloth wrap that they wore under skirts. Pharaohs were even buried with extra pairs to protect their after-life nanas.
In ancient Greece, slaves wore linen cloth but the greeks didn't.
Lacking lower arms the greek had found this tradition quite cumbersome.
The Romans briefly brought the loin cloth back but by the middle ages we'd all forgotten how to bathe. Baggy linens were used to seal and contain like one would with a fine cheese. Then the renaissance came.
With the birth of perspective penises were now in three dimensions and posed additional challenges.
Cross-dressing was all the rage and men often wore tight hose with a large opening at the crotchimus vertex. Yes, that is the correct term.
As the doublet outer garment became shorter this became awkward at limbo competitions.
The cod-piece solved that problem but like all things rrrrelated to the fish, size exaggeration became the norm. By the time of Henry the Eighth cod-pieces had spun out of control. Heavily padded and often doubling as pockets.
Teenagers around the world pay homage by occasionally stuffing their weed down there.
Henry's youngest daughter Elizabeth the First never got married and became sick of looking at a bunch of equipment she couldn't use. So underwear became boring again.
By the 1800s, Americans were wearing long underwear made out of wool. This was the cause of the Civil War.
The birth of the modern boxer short is attributed to John L. Sullivan who in the 1880s was a boxer.
The modern boxer short - pictured here - has four key components. The back of the boxer short is referred to as the score card. The score card acts as a blank canvas onto which is projected a record of one's bathroom hygiene. Next the boxer short is equipped with a straight forward version of what is called the portal. The portal acts as a gateway between the outside world and your special forest.
Boxers are also equipped with two handy adjustment flaps. Adjustment flaps come in handy during a phenomenon called bunching. Adjustment flaps can be used to initiate a unilateral reset or a bilateral reset. Sideview shown for training purposes only. Finally each pair of boxers comes equipped with an elastic erection containment strap.
If you don't know what an erection is. To the best of my knowledge, it was invented in 1980 as an joint-venture between Lonnie Anderson and Valerie Bertinelli. Oh and I think Joe from Facts of Life. And Ricky Schroeder? Oh, no, that was something else.
A more advanced underwear known as the brief is pictured here. Not for beginners, notice the lack of adjustment straps. Bunching is dealt with using a variety of advanced techniques. It is advised that wearers first master boxer adjustment to avoid injury. Briefs also come with a complex portal, perfect for when you're in a hurry. To answer your question, I wear a hybrid: The boxer brief. They combine the adjustment strap technology of the boxer with the fertility reduction of the brief.
But for most it's a matter of taste and convenience. Much like a horse eventually gets used to feel of his jockey.
Get it? Jockey!
[Ze looks sheepish]