the show: 12-12-06

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Who likes writing transcripts for the show? You do, you do, you do, achicka quack quack.

<transcriber note - You're right - I do, I do, I do, achicka quack quack.>


(two toy rappers and a toy DJ dance on a stage)

[Rapper 1] Rubber ducky on the left.
[Rapper 2] Asshole baby on the right. Step to the LOA and there'll be a nerd fight.
[Rapper 1] Sports Racers, racing sports, new viewers...
[Rappers 1 & 2] ...go away. Put your fingers in your food, knowledge has something to say. Power move. Bobo Twins. Hard chargers gotta go. You don't need to think...
[Rapper 2] ...when you're watching
[Rapper 1] What!
[Rapper 2] When you're watching
[Rapper 1] What! When you're watching the show with Ze Frank, yo!
[All] Poop!

(camera zooms into a LOA logo in the background and then cuts to Ze)

[Ze] Excellent work, my tiny little rapper friends.

Why am I wearing this awesome hat? Because I have hat head, duh!

(taunting the viewers) Yea, that's right, take a long look.

S-s-s-something from the forum, yo!

Jaime [pronounced Hi-may] writes:

    "I have a lot of trouble buying gifts this time of year. How about a handy guide for Christmas shoppers?"

Jaime, our audience isn't just made up of Christmasians. It includes Hanukkahans, Kwanzoids, and hippies as well.

Regardless of your beliefs, there's one thing that brings us together this time of year, retail shopping, with it's power of healing.

But for me the holidays are about really reflecting on how much people mean to me, you know, in dollars.

I'm into it. Sometimes I spend months making a list tabulating the value of the emotional and physical services that someone provides to me.

I divide that by the expandability quotient, or the number of people in my life that could potentially provide the same service.

That gets multiplied by the obligatory familial relations factor, taking into account time served.

And then the whole thing gets multiplied by the thought that counts ratio.

The thought that counts ratio is your perceived annual income over (makes a horizontal slashing motion with his hand) your actual annual income. That's the one you have control over. So if you haven't done so this year, make sure you downplay your salary.

The result is how much you love someone in dollars and when compared to others can be used to find the spendable percentage of your holiday budget.

When I was younger my parents would say, "I'd love it if you just made me something, scissors, construction paper."

When I got older, I realized... (expression changes from upbeat to bitter) they were lying.

The leaf rubbing I made last year... it's in their closet, right next to my glitter-glue portrait of Katie Couric.

Katie, all the glitter in the world couldn't capture your sparkle.

I used pipe cleaners for her bangs.

Some homemade gifts are OK though, like those little hand-drawn coupons for back rubs, or a little note that says you donated money to a local charity in someone's name. Nobody ever checks.

But if you really want to feel like you belong in society, you're actually gonna have to spend money. We'll deal with that later.

But for now, this slightly tubby poppa bear is waiting for some RunningFool pinning pics.

I see more buttons that I do pics.

Be sure to upload 'em to the gallery.

(cut to a picture of a guy pinning a pin onto RunningFool's pin jacket. A beautiful rendition Auld Lang Syne played on the recorder takes us out from the background.)

This show's sponsors - Gimme some candy

Image:theshow-sponsor-1-1.gif    two years, bub. i kinda love you....... S.A.R.A.P.

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-4.gif    Help a little girl

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-1.gif    the hat scares me, ze

Image:theshow-sponsor-1-7.gif    My sister Laura would have loved the show. Thanks.

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-4.gif    Happy 21st birthday Tash love Mum XXX

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-1.gif    Ze would be god, if there were one.

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