the show: 12-20-06

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Transcript

(music - TITLE NEEDED - plays in background)

[Guy on a bike] Greetings from the Tama River, welcome to the show with Ze Frank!

[Ze] I like your style brothaaah! Lots of chutzpah. Who showed up today? Errrrr.


[Ze] What is the true meaning of christmas? This time of year, if someone says that it means they really suck at buying gifts. It's a diversionary tactic yo!

[Ze as someone giving a crappy gift] (making motions with his hand) Look at the birdie, look at the birdie! Oh, and here's your 2007 Family Guy calendar. October's Stewie; what a mean baby.

Christmas isn't about Santa, or those songs, not that I don't love that crap. Grandma got run over by a reindeer, imagine if that happened, it'd be so fucked up.

No, Christmas is about competition, competing to see who gives the best gift. And it's kinda like going to watch NASCAR. You want to see who wins, but you're secretly hoping to see a crash... where no one gets hurt.

[Ze as Jeffery observing a Christmas crash] Aww smack! Did you see that? Both mom and aunt Betty got Dad a copy of Tom Freeman's "The World is Flat".

And when you see a crash, it's just a pile-on from that point out.

[Ze as Jeffery again] You know Dad, Freeman's a billionaire. From high up enough, everything looks flat. You know that to scale, the Earth is actually smoother than a cue ball.
[Ze as Jeffery's relative] Shut up Jeffery, you know that if it weren't for the double book fiasco your keychain-flashlights would've lost hands down.

Where do you think the whole Santa thing came from? It was a bad gift.

[Ze as Gift Giver 1] (looking unhappily at a gift) Chocolate? I'm allergic to chocolate.
[Ze as Gift Giver 2] (biting his lip) Oh... that's not from me.
[Gift Giver 1] There's just two of us. Who's it from?
[Gift Giver 2] (obviously lying) I saw a guy in the apartment last night.
[Gift Giver 1] (falling into the trap - suprised) In our apartment!?
[Gift Giver 2] Yea, it was weird. F-, a fat guy... with a beard.
[Gift Giver 1] But the door's locked, how'd he get in?
[Gift Giver 2] (thinking desperately and biting his lip again) ... the chimney... (nods) What an asshole.

[Ze] If you wanna win this year, be like Santa, have some sack. (chuckles quietly) You gotta go in strong, leave the gift receipts at home, they're a sign of weakness.

[Ze as another, separate gift giver] I love you, but if you don't love me that's cool. We could even pretend like this never happened.

In the old days they didn't give gift receipts, the present just came with a card that said: "This hat made by Larry from down the street." You weren't going to insult Larry the milliner. (dramatic voice) Besides, some say he was a witch. A gift receipt is tantamount to forfeiture.

That's not you, you make them put that sweater on and you swoop in with some scissors and cut the tag. Make them put on the CD that night, or dog-ear the book. And remember, you gotta follow through. Give the gift, cut the tag and justify. You don't say it was the last item in the bargain bin, you say it was one of a kind, just like you. You don't say: "Well, the belt had little guitars on it and I figured, you know, you play guitar." No, you say: "It's a reminder, that you should always follow your dreams."

Good luck.

(cut to black)

Today's the last day to nominate someone for the SportsRacer Holiday myspace Adoption Program. I'll expect you to vote for three nominees for me to choose from by midnight tonight, and tomorrow one of them will have a lot more friends, and I'll get them a shirt.

I-I-I'll see you in the wiki.




This show's sponsors - Gimme some candy

Image:theshow-sponsor-4-0.gif    Best wishes for the holidays

Image:theshow-sponsor-3-0.gif    This is Rebekah's duckie, a chicka quack quack.

Image:theshow-sponsor-3-0.gif    A guy needs candy. SeattleRealEstate.com & RKW

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-2.gif    good days or bad, you always rock. thank you, ze.

Image:theshow-sponsor-1-3.gif    Happy Holidays and thank you Ze!

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-0.gif    Just a little something to say thanks!


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