How We Will Work This Thing

Ok, it's getting about that time. Thursday afternoon. We need a script by Thursday midnight. It looks very much like I'll be the delivery boy, which gives me a certain degree of power. With power comes responsibility. Here is my current plan. You guys have to watch me to make sure I don't screw things up. If this plan sucks, comment on it.

There are several open issues that need to be voted on, including

• Which intro to use VOTE!
• Which knowledge to use VOTE!
• Which comments to use VOTE!

We also need to cut the script down. Which sections to cut and which sections to keep?

This is the most important poll. VOTE!

Please vote on these issues, and do it befoer 10:30 ET / 8:30 PT. Your votes do matter.

At about 10:30 ET / 7:30 PT - I'll tally all the votes, and produce a first draft of a final script. The most popular version of the intro and knowledge etc. will be used. Then I'll start trimming. The idea is that I'll trim least popular sections first, until it's under three minutes. Then I'll post the draft on the wiki. Final polishing will begin then. No new sections will be created, no sections will be deleted, and no major changes will take place. I'll be watching like a hawk for hard chargers. Then, at around 11:30 ET / 8:30 PT I'll email the final script to Ze. I'll CC my final script to anyone who wants it so they can be sure I didn't hard charge it.

Then, we wait.

Before We Go Live

shh... Fabuloso Friday is stewing.

Scrolling News Ticker

To be run left-to-right like on Al-Jazeera 

We need to reduce the number of Zarqawi stories.

I read somewhere that someone wanted a scrolling news ticker - post your lines here. Do not delete any.

Yes! Entries should take the form of CNN/FOX blurbs. Turn on the TV to see the format. Do not add punctuation to the beginning or end. Use ellipsis in the middle. muyfabuloso^talk

• Garter belts made for men. It's a good idea.
• Senate passes anti-defamation "bill" ... it's not duckie, it's mallard-American
• Al-Zarqawi signed for Fabuloso Friday but went off and got bombed
• Katie Holmes to undergo sex change surgery ... Tom Cruise insists it was all her idea
• Jessica Alba signs on to feature in Vivid's "Rubber Duckie Fun"
• Have you bought a shirt yet?
• Same sex marriage amendment shot down ... Bush/Cheney set July date
• Major sports team wins in major television market after men play ball for an hour
• Usama Bin Laden’s name changed because it starts with USA ... now goes by name "Shirky"
• American Idol singer craps pants during Sinatra standard ... inks Depends® endorsement deal during commercial break
• 75% of CIA operatives have jellybean fetish
• The letter Q [in pink or purple contrasting with other words] 'outed' from the alphabet
• Can you believe this crap?
• Zarqawi narrowly Republican nominee in special election for vacant Cunningham SoCal seat...Dems admit outcome “unforeseen,” but still claim result bodes well for November mid-terms
• Mayo clinic reveals that mustard seeds prevent tartar
• Amazon.com files suit against TallWoman.com for trademark infringement
• 7% of Nantucket men experience neck hypertension...Nantucket women don't mind
• Sometimes when a car is parked really close to me I flick a booger on it
• 'When Harry Met Sally 2' to feature CGI Meg Ryan
• Mobile camera technology becoming more durable; rock throwers getting more accurate
• 'Death Tax' repeal fails in the Senate; dead people revolt.
• Bush Calls Kofi a "Big poo poo head"
• Qaeda mole, US SpecOps blow Zarqawi cover, brains
• Advertising found to be influencing factor on consumer trends
• Internet to close next Thursday for "a good cleaning"
• Brangelina may cause Colon Cancer
• 59% of news statistics are completely made up
• Starbucks announces Mylanta aquisition
• US Marines raid bondage/fetish club in Baghdad
• Scientists discover missing link between TV viewing and stupidity
• Honest Lawyer discovered in Washington DC
• An Independent Boston study confirms nothing
• I think my roommate's girlfriend has a crush on me
• Stop reading these and look at me
• With gas prices on the rise Bush vows to stay the course
• Poop
• Zarqawi Safe House designated Shiite shrine...Halliburton wins contract to rebuild
• Beleaguered SF slugger goes on disabled list...routine exam reveals syringe lodged in sphincter
• Qaeda Mole Outed...Zarqawi’s wife, Rumsfeld linked in illicit life insurance scam
• SpecOps raid on Baath house catches Donald and Condi in flagrante delicto
• Zarqawi’s shocked widow reacts: "We all knew he was sick but he went so quickly"
• Autopsy shows Zarqawi’s elevated cholesterol made him "a walking time bomb"
• Shiloh Pitt-Jolie named one of People Magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful, Shriveled, Blood-Soaked, Shrieking People in the World”...Zarqawi 43rd in Inaugural Poll
• If I meet any of you in person, I'll probably kill you with my bare hands
• People who waste all their time talking about celebrities owe me a salad

Intro/ATNVGY?

[Ze is sitting in an armchair, wearing a crimson silk or velvet smoking jacket, a fake moustache, with his hair dyed some other color, stroking both his cats, and puffing on a bubble pipe while looking thoughtfully into the distance. On the table next to him sits a small rotating globe with bread slices at the poles. A rubber duck and a framed photo of Clarence Thomas sit discreetly on the shelf in the back ground. He turns to camera.]

At this point there are currently several intro proposals. Read them here and go here to discuss which you prefer.

Most importantly, VOTE on your favorite version!

And don't forget to insert at some point my super-pooper opening sequence!! You know you want to. Mr malaise 18:24, 8 June 2006 (PDT)

Knowledge

There are many alternate proposals on how to do this very important sentence. It has moved here!

So let's go vote on the best one at the knowledge main page.

Trust my audience/Media Effect

Ze Puppet

Ze: Hopefully, handing the inmates the keys to what was already a burning asylum won't result in any permanent injuries or felony convictions.

CUT TO Image:bailbonds.jpg.

Ze: and hopefully random images and shoutouts will be a kept to a minimum

[Cut to Image:Shoutoutduck.png for half of a second]

Ze: Damnit...

Ze: Why, you ask, am I doing this, allowing myself to become no more than a sad, simpering pinocchio...

CUT TO [Ze puppet]

Ze: ...without the songs and the dancing but with the giant whale trying to eat me and maybe the big fat bearded man locking me up in a cage?

Ze: Because unlike those spiritually empty greedheads in the mainstream media, I TRUST my audience.

Ze: [giving a sidelong stare to camera ]

Ze: And yes, I am aware that I'm referring to the very same audience which routinely leaves irrelevant and asinine comments on my show

Ze: [worried] which I am now allowing them to create

Ze: [terrified] by themselves.

Ze: Here's hoping that the nerdy and the unemployed can think of funnier things to put in a show than "First!" and "Hey, Ze, you'd love this random link that I'm including with my irrelevant and asinine comment!

[Cut to image: [Image]]

[Cut to close-up of image. (Freak in.) AND THEN; Execute the "Ze Effect" [ie. the one with all the zooming, sliding, and the crotch tree. Don't forget the lightning.].]

Ze: (through smiling teeth) Kill me.

Ze: (matter of factly) I love -- LOVE -- my audience.

Ze: (eastern-european accent of innocence): Mama, they wrote unspeakable things, spinning degrading webs of filth.

CU

Ze: (normal sulky voice) All you care about are my unmentionables.

Ze: [sulking] Assholes.

Gay Marriage

[Intro song: Hi, I'm Ze. What's something I like that's gay?]

CLOSEUP

Ze: Marriage!

LESS CLOSEUP

Ze: Congress spent 3 days debating gay marriage because they want America to know that there's nothing gay about marriage.

[Beat]

Ze: Or Congress.

[Cut to photos of Married By America or Britney Spears' first wedding while while "What's something I like that's gay" plays].

Ze: Banning gay marriage because someone thinks it's bad for you is like banning alcohol because someone might drink and drive. [[1]]

Ze: Or cigarettes because someone might get lung cancer. [[2]]

Ze: Or radioactive waste dumping because someone might get birth defects. [[3]]

Ze: Or underground nuclear testing because we could destroy our planet. [[4]]

[Ze looks away from camera]

Ze: [Disgusted] Who WROTE this?

Ze: [Realizes. Stupid Fabuloso Friday.] Oh.

Ze: [Staring right at the camera] Where were you guys going with this?

Ze: There's a reason "slippery slope" is listed among logical fallacies. Defining marriage to allow people of the same gender to get married is no more the slippery slope to human-animal hybrids that it was when we started allowing people of different races to get married, or when marriage stopped being a property arrangement and became an equal union between a man and a woman.

Ze: ... or when paleolithic humans finally STOPPED fucking chimps...

Ze: Banning gay marriage isn't about saving straight marriage, it is about preventing gay people from being considered normal...

Ze: ....and sucking tongue in public where anyone can see.

Ze: Seeing two women kissing also contributes to the downfall of heterosexual marriage, but mostly because straight men can't stop masturbating long enough to actually bedazzle the livestock. (photo of that New Yorker cover of Bush and Dick looking Brokebacked) with voice over "I wish I could quit you."]

[ song: Hi, I'm Ze. What's something I like that's NOT gay?]

CLOSEUP

Ze: Sports Racers!

[Or, alternately...]

[song: Hi, I'm Ze. What's something ELSE I like that's gay?]

CLOSEUP

Ze: Sports Racers!

Sudanese Genocide

Ze: S-s-s-somethin' from a...nother continent.

Ze: While the current Administration riles up American anger towards homosexuals, people who don't spend their time blaming minorities for their own failures wonder if this isn't just a cheap tactic to divert attention from things like

GRAPHIC

Ze: A Civil War in Iraq!

GRAPHIC

Ze: A trial for war crimes in Iraq!

GRAPHIC

Ze: A generally failing and falsely initiated war in Iraq!

GRAPHIC

Ze: A Genocide in Sudan which America refuses to get involved in, while claiming to have invaded Iraq due to human rights concerns!

CUT BACK TO ZE

Ze: Why are we "helping" the Iraqis and not the Sudanese?

Ze: Because Iraq harbors terrorists.

Ze: Because Iraq harbors oil reserves.

Ze: Because oil will keep our SUVs on the road.

Ze: Because SUVs will keep CO2 in the air.

Ze: Because CO2 will cause an imbalance in the earth's delicate climate system, leading to an ice age and the extinction of mankind.

Ze: (That'll show those evil terrorists.)

Vloggers: Pure Comedy Gold

Vloggercon 2005

Ze: These people are in San Francisco this weekend for Vloggercon.

CLOSEUP

Ze: A vlogger is an exhibitionist who is more comfortable talking to a camera than a person.

[Beat, as he considers this self-referential statement.]

Ze: Popular vloggers are invited to Vloggercon, giving them an opportunity to record someone other than themselves.

[CUT to shot of entire room, empty except for a camera and Ze sitting lonely and awkwardly in the corner.]

Duckie Con Song

Duckie Con

Ze: Fortunately, the League of Awesomeness hosts an even awesomer Con of its own.

[start music]

Tune is here: [5] (Probably just first 15 seconds or so...) Please discuss here.

Ze: [sings/shouts, James Brown-style] Duckie Con!

Ze: [sings] That's where my duckie gone!

Ze: [sings] To play my funky song!

Dirty Space News

Red Jr.

[Using news from http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4781730.stm and http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2006/05jun_redperil.htm]

Ze: [seductive voice] More dirty space news!

Ze: [looking extremely jolly] Without naughty bits.

Ze: [back to normal] Jupiter is growing another pimple. [Slightly disgusted facial expression]

Ze: The BBC reports: 'The gas giant...

CU

Ze: [giggling] That's like a big fart!

Ze: ...is growing another red spot, which NASA astronomers have nicknamed "Red Jr.".

Ze: What, like, they have names now?

Ze: [irritated] NASsholes!

[Cut to Ze, looking frantically and hopelessly through a day planner]

Ze: Oh why can't I remember Red Junior's birthday?

Ze: An amateur as-

[Cut to Ze for a split-second, looking slightly amused in a juvinile fashion]

Ze: -tronomer chimes in.

Ze: [wearing nerdy glasses, effecting a geeky voice] 'The oval was white in November 2005... and red a few weeks ago.'

Ze: [looking both disgusted and aroused] Ewww.

Ze: Most astromers agree that Red Jr. Is going to blow

CU

Ze: [barely holding in laughter]

Ze: into the big red spot.

CU

Ze: [eyes screwed up in a herculean effort not to laugh, a rictus grin planted on his face as a high-pitched gurgle escapes his throat]]

Ze: The two storms will make their closest approach on July 4th, 2006, barely giving the Senate enough time to debate the merits of a constitutional amendment banning older, larger storms from blowing smaller, younger ones.

Ze: [in a scolding, slightly effeminate voice] Space is dirty!

Say the Opposite, Say the Opposite

This was here, discussion here. Now it's here: Cleaned up, tightened, betterified.

Coultier/Coulter what's the diff?

Ze: This week’s archenemy of humanity is republican pundit Ann Coulter,

[CUT to picture]

Ze {over]- Seen here about to fellate an intern - who in her recent book calls the 9/11 widows who succeeded in forcing the creation of the 9/11 Congressional Commission, "witches". In her book she states, "how do we know their husbands weren't planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy."

[CU of Ze]

Ze Vilifying these women, who contributed to John Kerry’s presidential campaign, is her way of neutralizing their political potency.

Ze: When asked by Reuters why she made ad hominem attacks, Coulter replied, "I am tired of victims being used as billboards for untenable liberal political beliefs." She did not, however, allude to untenable conservative republican beliefs, such as using victims of 9/11 to promote its strategy for fighting terror, the war in Iraq, and the tendency to raise the terror alert threat level during election cycles. Coulter is betting her hardcharging audience won’t see the irony.

Ze Or this show.

FIFA World Cup 2006

This is a freeze of a reasonable version from the page.

Minor knocks

Ze: Today, the World Cup for that sport Europeans think is 'Football' kicks off in Germany

Ze: REAL football, as all heterosexual Americans know, is played by THROWING and CATCHING an oblong "pig-skin" and smacking eachothers butts.

Ze: In this World Cup, thirty-two teams will compete to see who has the best ball handling skills.

Ze: (smirking/laughing)

Ze: The English national team pictured here discussing intelligent design had their hopes dashed when striker Wayne Rooney was tragically transformed into a nike commercial giant baby during a league game with Chelsea.

Ze: Recently there's rumors of the loss of famous ball handler [Ze smirk again, "He handles balls...." giggle] David Beckham, who's been locked in thought for weeks wondering whether the earth really could be a Sandwich.

Ze: Not true! According to the BBC "Ashley Cole and David Beckham made an appearance but missed the practice match due to minor knocks"

[Zoom in on Ashley Cole's hand]

[CUT to a more artistic version of THIS PICTURE, or just this]

Ze: Coal is dirty...

Asshole babies

Asshole!

Ze: Scientists report that premature babies face higher risk of hyperactivity.

Ze: [irritated] Assholes.

Ze: I hear there's a conspiracy to integrate Giant Babies into society under the guise of cuteness.

Guise of cuteness!

CUT TO THIS IMAGE AND THIS IMAGE

Ze: True Sports Racers know the Giant Baby agenda

CUT TO THIS IMAGE

Ze: If you see any Giant Babies...

CUT TO THIS IMAGE

Ze: please deliver them to the League of Awesomeness...

CUT TO THIS IMAGE

Ze: for immediate introduction to growth-stunting substances.

[Cut to Ze playing guitar and singing the lyrics mentioned below.]

[Cowboy campfire vibe.]

(G) I'm (G7) gon-na

(C) round me up some babies on this (F) Fabuloso Friday

Gonna (G) give 'em beer and smokes and drinks (F) until they sees it (C) my way

(slower)

And (C) if the cops ar- (C7) rest me, I won't (F) have a word to (D7) say

(return to tempo)

[The following subtitle flashes a few times: "THIS SONG COURTESY OF FABULOSO FRIDAY"]

'Cause (C) I am just a (F) puppet in your (G) Fabuloso (C) play

Ze: Muy fabuloso!

Starbucks Product Placement

Ze: [wired] More scary news: Drinking coffee makes you more susceptible to persuasion. [sip] Or, as the press outlets who take ad money from Starbucks headlined, 'Drinking Coffee makes you more open-minded.

Ze chuckles, smiles knowingly, sceptically, and shakes his head. This is interupted by him taking another Sip.

Ze: Those evil press outlets should be shot! Pushing Starbucks on innocent viewers who are easily swayed by news sources they trust.

[beat, looks shiftily/awkwardly from side to side]

Ze: [sip] Apparently, moderate doses of caffeine [sip] make you more easily convinced by arguments [sip] that you would otherwise ignore. [Bug Eyed w/ falsetto opera voice] Fabuloso Friday!!! [dejected] starbucks ruined my show, I would've never agreed...

S-s-s-something from the Bible

There has been some argument about this script and there is an alternate script proposed. You can view them here.

S-s-s-something from the Condiments

source: Morguefile with some tweaks

Ze: S-s-s-something from the condiments.

CUT TO PHOTO OF A SALT SHAKER

Ze: Salt!

S-s-s-something from the Comments

This section is under heavy development, click on the link to edit it or click here. The idea is to leave a number of comments on Thursday and force Ze to comment on these metacomments. This is being offered as an alternative to S-s-something from the Bible.

[[is it time to vote for the s-s-s-something from the comments yet? *impatient*]]
Well, i set up something that can get you started here, but I'm leaving now, and similar things need to be set up other places as well... --Gelbi 07:37, 8 June 2006 (PDT)

Here's Something I Like That's Gay

[Before anyone deletes this as "Gay Baiting", first ask "Am I gay? Do I know whether the person who wrote this is gay? Is this "gay-baiting", or is this an authentic comment by Ze, who has no qualms about gay folks whatever?" Hey - let's let folks vote on it. Let's hear from other gay sports racers!]

My apologies, I deleted this earlier, thinking it was a repeat of the earlier verison. Now it just seems smarmy, but not gay-baiting. Hokie

Text here, discussion here.

Closing Challenge

Ze: (singing) Fabuloso Friday! Friday Fabuloso!

Ze: [taking us into his confidence, matter-of-factly:] Hey, Maybe I'll even re-think my 'no nudity' policy! [nods and mouths in slow motion 'oh yeah, that's right' ]

Ze: Yes-no-I ... This-is Ze Frank,

Ze: Thinking I'll never ever ever again let you think so I don't have to ... think ... so you don't have to think...

[CLOSEUP to Ze blinking furiously - one eye at a time]

Ze: This is Ze Frank, blinking so you don't have to. A picture of CRAZY FROG is on the monitor behind him (picture).

[Cut to black screen. Hold for 2 seconds.]

Ze: [murmuring, furtive] Are the old viewers gone yet?

Ze: Wow, I feel like a puppet being flung around by a disgustingly incompetent puppeteer... Now i know what George Bush feels like.

[Freeze Frame]

Show constraints

We are leaving the final delivery of the script to the person who wins this poll the lovely and talented AaronStJ. Here's a list of requirements for tomorrow's show:

• The show will be under 3 minutes. (Ze's last show)
• There will be no references to Amanda Congdon. (poll)
• There should be a song included (poll)

Style

If we're gonna make this thing work, we should stick to the same formatting style. It looks like we are converging a solid format. Any additions should follow the format.

It should be safe to assume that every new line of dialog will be a new camera cut. This fast paced, cut every line is the way Ze currently operates, we should stick with it. So there's no real need to say CUT unless you're giving further camera direction.

Example of Style

AaronStJ: Lines of dialog should look like this

[AaronStJ points out that action should look like this]

CUT to WIDE ANGLE

AaronStJ: Camera directions should look like that.

CU

AaronStJ: CU means closeup.

CU of Someone who isn't Oliver

Not Oliver: I think people are misusing the 'Closeup' and misunderstanding the use of different Cuts. Why don't we just give Ze discretion over all Cut sizes?

AaronStJ: Interesting. [Whispering] Different voices should look like this.

Oliver: Why are you whispering?

AaronStJ: A beat is a short pause for comedic timing.

[Beat]

AaronStJ: I want Ze's baby.

Please don't remove anything yet. We'll cut the material on Thursday when it's all here. Feel free to improve and/or add scripts.