From zefrank

The Rules

Welcome to the draft version of the cut down final script. Don't add anything. Don't delete anything substantial. don't make drastic or sweeping edits. I will be on the lookout for hard chargers. Eventually, this will be sent to Ze.

Currently, it's maybe a hair over 3:00. Polish and trim, polish and trim!

The Script

[Ze is sitting in an armchair, wearing a smoking jacket, a fake moustache, with his hair dyed a garish pink stroking both his cats, and puffing on a bubble pipe while looking thoughtfully into the distance. On the table next to him sits a small rotating globe with bread slices at the poles. A rubber duck and a framed photo of Clarence Thomas sit discreetly on the shelf in the background. He turns to camera.]

[Ze returns to looking into the distance momentarily. Then turns back to camera with a look of mock-enthusiasm.]

Ze: Welcome to Fabuloso Friday, the show where you think so I don't have to.

Ze: That means you can make me say 'I'm a huge douchebag' for 5 straight minutes!"

Ze: [Enthusiastic!!] Awesome!

Ze: I am a huge douchebag.

Ze: I AM a huge douchebag.

Ze: I am a HUGE douchebag.

Ze: I am a huge DOUCHEbag.

Ze: I am a huge doucheBAG.

Ze: [German accent] I am a huge douchebag.

Ze: [English accent] I am a huge douchebag.

Extreme CU

Ze: [whispering, petulant] Fabuloso Friday sucks already!

CU

Ze: In French, douche mean to wash ...

Ze: [Goofy, fast. Giddy.] I am a douchebag.

Ze: ...or to shower.

INTIMATE CU

Ze: [He's talking to you. He knows you. You know he knows you.] But you already knew that.

CUT TO ZE, WEARING A BATHROBE, COMING OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH A HUGE TOWEL ON HIS HEAD

Ze: Before work every morning, I like to take a nice douche.

CU

Ze: [whispering] Are the new viewers gone yet?

CUT BACK TO TOWEL AND BATHROBE ZE

Ze: [on the phone] Listen, can I call you back? I just got out of the douche.

[beat]

Ze: Good Morning, Sports Racers, it's Fabuloso Friday June 9th. Grab some Pepto-Bismol and a bucket -- knowledge is about to prove that too many cooks really do spoil the broth.

[Using news from http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4781730.stm and http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2006/05jun_redperil.htm]

Ze: [seductive voice] More dirty space news!

Ze: [looking extremely jolly] Without naughty bits.

Ze: [back to normal] Jupiter is growing another pimple. [Slightly disgusted facial expression]

Ze: The BBC reports: 'The gas giant...

CU

Ze: [giggling] That's like a big fart!

Ze: ...is growing another red spot, which NASA astronomers have nicknamed "Red Jr.".

Ze: What, like, they have names now?

Ze: [irritated] NASsholes!

[Cut to Ze, looking frantically and hopelessly through a day planner]

Ze: Oh why can't I remember Red Junior's birthday?

Ze: An amateur as-

[Cut to Ze for a split-second, looking slightly amused in a juvinile fashion]

Ze: -tronomer chimes in.

Ze: [wearing nerdy glasses, effecting a geeky voice] 'The oval was white in November 2005... and red a few weeks ago.'

Ze: [looking both disgusted and aroused] Ewww.

Ze: Most astromers agree that Red Jr. is going to blow

CU

Ze: [barely holding in laughter]

Ze: into the big red spot.

CU

Ze: [eyes screwed up in a herculean effort not to laugh, a rictus grin planted on his face as a high-pitched gurgle escapes his throat]

Ze: The two storms will make their closest approach on July 4th, 2006, barely giving the Senate enough time to debate the merits of a constitutional amendment banning older, larger storms from blowing smaller, younger ones.

Ze: [in a scolding, slightly effeminate voice] Space is dirty!

Ze: S-s-s-something from the condiments!

[cut to salt shaker photo (inset)]

Ze: [thrilled] Sal- [is cut off by next segment]

Source: http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn9280-drinking-coffee-makes-you-more-openminded.html

Ze: [wired] In twitchy, jittery news, New Scientists proclaim that 'Drinking Coffee makes you more open-minded.

[Each cut starts with a coffee sip, and is increasingly off-kilter. This part is FAST and caffeinated]

Ze: [sip] Apparently, moderate doses of caffeine

Ze: [sip] make you more easily convinced by arguments

Ze: [sip]

Ze: [sip] that you would otherwise ignore.

Ze: [sip]

Ze: [reading the New York Post] It all makes sense!

Ze: [smug] Mmm, Starbucks, makes you an empty vessel for implausible assertions.

Ze: [smug] ...makes you a willing servant of your local hegemon.

Ze: [smug] ...makes you a filthy, raunchy puppet.

[cut to Ze looking shocked and delighted]

[Intro song: Hi, I'm Ze. What's something I like that's gay?]

CLOSEUP

Ze: Marriage!

LESS CLOSEUP

Ze: Congress spent 3 days debating gay marriage because they want America to know that there's nothing gay about marriage.

[Beat]

Ze: Or Congress.

[Cut to photos of Married By America or Britney Spears' first wedding while while "What's something I like that's gay" plays].

Ze: Banning gay marriage because someone thinks it's bad for you is like banning alcohol because someone might drink and drive. [[1]]

Ze: Or cigarettes because someone might get lung cancer. [[2]]

Ze: Or radioactive waste dumping because someone might get birth defects. [[3]]

Ze: Or underground nuclear testing because we could destroy our planet. [[4]]

[Ze looks away from camera]

Ze: [Disgusted] Who WROTE this?

Ze: [Realizes. Stupid Fabuloso Friday.] Oh.

CUT

Ze: [Head facing left - annoyed face] Bobo-twins.

CUT

Ze: [Staring right at the camera] Where were you guys going with this?

Ze: [Intelligent Ze character voice] There's a reason "slippery slope" is listed among logical fallacies. Allowing people of the same gender to get married is no more a slippery slope to human-chimp hybrids than allowing people of different races to get married, or when marriage stopped being a property arrangement, with women being part of the property.

Ze: ... or when paleolithic humans FINALLY stopped f-bombing chimps...

Ze: Banning gay marriage isn't about saving straight marriage, it is about preventing gay people from being considered normal...

Ze: ....and from sucking tongue in public where anyone can see.

Ze: Seeing two women kissing does contributes to the downfall of heterosexual marriage, but mostly because straight men can't stop masturbating long enough to actually bedazzle the livestock.

Ze: Luckily, on the internet, anybody can watch virtually anyone do anything any time. Like you. Watching me!

Ze: In this World Cup, thirty-two teams will compete to see who has the best ball-handling skills.

Ze: (smirking/laughing)

Ze: The English national team pictured here discussing intelligent design had their hopes dashed when striker Wayne Rooney was tragically transformed into a nike commercial giant baby during a league game with Chelsea.

Ze: Recently there's rumors of the loss of famous ball handler [Ze smirk again, "He handles balls...." giggle] David Beckham, who's been locked in thought for weeks wondering whether the earth really could be a Sandwich.

Ze: Not true! According to the BBC "Ashley Cole and David Beckham made an appearance but missed the practice match due to minor knocks"

[Cut to Ze playing guitar and singing the lyrics mentioned below.]

[Cowboy campfire vibe.]

(G) I'm (G7) gon-na

(C) round me up some babies on this (F) Fabuloso Friday

Gonna (G) give 'em beer and smokes and drinks (F) until they sees it (C) my way

(slower)

And (C) if the cops ar- (C7) rest me, I won't (F) have a word to (D7) say

(return to tempo)

[The following subtitle flashes a few times: "THIS SONG COURTESY OF FABULOSO FRIDAY"]

'Cause (C) I am just a (F) puppet in your (G) Fabuloso (C) play

Ze: Muy fabuloso!

Ze: (grinning like an idiot) That was so much fun! Let's do it every Friday!

Ze: (singing) Fabuloso Friday! Friday Fabuloso!

Ze: [taking us into his confidence, matter-of-factly:] Hey, Maybe I'll even re-think my 'no nudity' policy! [nods 'oh yeah, that's right' ]

Ze: Yes-no-I ... This-is Ze Frank,

Ze: Wishing I had been thinking, so you wouldn't have to... have been... thinking. For me.

[CLOSEUP to Ze blinking furiously - one eye at a time]

[Cut to black screen. Hold for 2 seconds.]

Ze: [murmuring, furtive] Are the old viewers gone yet?