the show: 10-16-06

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Hello sports racers from Kingston, Ontario. You're watching the Show with Ze Frank

Ze: You are so serious. Good work on the intro.

What, this scratch? I got it bobbing for apples. I'm coordinated.

Autumn is in full swing and that means soon people will be taking to the streets pretending they're someone that they're not in hopes that other people will give them something in return. That's right, I'm talking about Election Day.

The switch-a-roo!

This year we got sex, we got violence, what more could you ask for?

According to the Associate{d} Press, voting in the primaries hit an all-time low. However, it notes that all the fun news recently could actually increase the voter turnout in the November elections. With all the House seats on the line, as well as a number of senate positions and governorships, this year's a perfect year to get your grubby little hands directly involved in shaping the government.

Think about it like going on a date that comes around every couple of years. If you don't show up, you can't really complain that you're not getting any action. Just like any date, you gotta follow some minimal protocol.

Now the government's a bit of a playa. It sees a lot of different people and it might not know who you are. So the first thing you have to do is introduce yourself. That's called registering to vote.

Now if you've taken out the government before on a previous election day, you're already registered. In most states, if you have a driver's license, you were given the opportunity to register and probably did, unless you were really hungover. If you're not registered, or aren't sure, the easiest thing to do is take a break from watching porn and do it online. Just type "register to vote" into google, follow one of the links, then print out and send in the form.

The next thing you gotta do is figure out where you're going on your date. Once you're registered, the government'll pick out a swanky spot in your neighborhood and your name will already be on a list at the door. If you don't know where you're going, type in the aptly named Board of Elections and your state into google. Look for a polling place locator and type in your address to find the location of your swanky joint.

Now when you show up to the club, you're gonna have to prove that it's you. The government's gotten screwed on a couple blind dates in the past. Like any place worth going to, they're gonna ask for ID. What kind of ID you can use varies from state to state. Government-issued photo ID's like passports and licenses always work. Hell, the government gave it to you. However, many states don't require your picture and you can use something like a utility bill or bank statement as long as it has your name and current address.

Some places have tried to limit the clientele that hang out at their club by scaring voters into thinking they don't have the right kind of ID. For example, the State Election Board in Atlanta just mailed out 200,000 letters notifying some Georgia residents that they may not have the correct type of photo ID. That letter was sent out a week after Georgia's Superior Court struck down Georgia's photo ID requirement. Bottom line, if you don't have a photo ID, be sure to check your Board of Elections webpage for up-to-date ID requirements.

Even if you show up to the wrong place or forget your ID, you can still vote with something called a provisional ballot. To make it count, you'll just have to prove who you are within a day or two.

Once you're in the club, you and the government are gonna get a little private time behind a curtain. Go slow - although it may feel like you're in a changing room, don't drop your pants. This is the point where you make your move. A little touchy-touchy.

And regardless of what people may have told you, the little D next to someone's name does not mean deceased and the little R does not mean retired.

After your date, celebrate it. Maybe give the little man a high five.

And remember, this is one date your employer has to let you go to.

And if you think you're gonna have trouble showing up, you can always send a love letter. Just look for instructions on how to send an absentee ballot on your Board of Elections website.

Good luck planning your date. I hope you get lucky.

-- 09:25, 23 October 2006 (PDT)

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