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-   -   Post something that made you laugh today. (http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin_new/showthread.php?t=4329)

red 11-02-2004 07:29 PM

HAH!

Coffee 11-02-2004 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by trisherina
slightly more mature yumminess
Eu De' Dirt, only $39.50...gotta love it.

dinzdale 11-03-2004 02:26 PM

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?

A winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love?

A bonky winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting?

A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?

A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a bus?

Fvcking _talented!

daverbee 11-03-2004 02:32 PM

:D

rmr 11-04-2004 06:54 PM

"Anyway, I also (just to add another opinion) think you should TRY to do
it on a week night, so you are not tempted to dip too far into the
bottle and the night can end relatively early. Or, F that, and do it on
a Friday so you can see his apartment and what he looks like in the
morning with a hangover. You'll also find out how he feels when you
light up a cigarette first thing in the morning with your mascara
running down your cheeks."

red 11-04-2004 07:01 PM

the best dui stop ever had me in stitches.

Clytie 11-04-2004 07:22 PM


agentsmith 11-05-2004 03:51 AM

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from The Mummy

If someone does something unspeakably horrible, kill him in a way which will ensure that he will come back as an unstoppable force of evil.

Always find some pretext to change into native dress. It's sexier and more becoming than your regular gear, and no matter how grungy it gets, it'll always rip in the right places.

When a body rots, its teeth go bad, too.

Beetles squeak.

Guns do work against the undead.

They work against beetles, too. Well, they don't actually work, per se, but shooting swarms of beetles is satisfying in its own way.

When in doubt, kiss the bad guy.

Remember to bring along at least two potential female romantic leads. That way you have a 50% chance that your beloved won't turn out to be the reincarnation of a long-dead evil nasty.

There are actually five canopic jars in a set, not the four that most books say. The fifth jar was always made of solid gold, which is why museums never got their hands on any.

The Egyptians had books. All that mucking about with scrolls was for the tourist trade.

Quicksand can form in the high desert.

Scarab beetles are extremely dangerous.



Everything Else I Need to Know I Learned from The Mummy Returns

Gold is light.

Scarab beetles are very, very, very, very extremely dangerous.

Snakes, on the other hand, are mostly harmless and best used as projectile weapons.

Packing off your child to a cold, unloving, regimented English boarding school is cruel and heartless. Take him with you and abandon him for hours at a time in the bottom of archaeological excavations instead.

Don't bother listening to your child. If you do, the movie will be about ten minutes long, and no one will die in ways requiring special effects.

The less armor, the better. The most naked man wins.

Hermione 11-05-2004 04:37 AM

"They are all bastards.. stupid sick bastards" - peace studies prof.

zenbabe 11-06-2004 09:45 PM


madasacutsnake 11-07-2004 05:14 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Spicy Jack
so tonight we went to a nice dinner place (table clothes, menu in french, bill in the triple digits for 2) anyhow...for an appetizer we order the ahi in a chilled avacado soup with smoked gouda. the plate arrives and it looks like split pea soup with a large pile of chopped tomatos and two bread balls. so we both taste it. it is delicious, but we look at each other and are wondering where the tuna is and the gouda :( we think the tuna may be baked into the mysterious bread ball thingies. we poke it a bit, still mystified my friend proceeds to ask the waiter where the tuna is. He points to "the tomatos" and says "Well, they are right here sir" It took a few seconds to register, but what we thought was tomatos was the tuna. I was about to die...then I started chuckling, which snowballed into laughing with tears streaming down my face. Needless to say, we felt like total morons and wanted to run.

That is not all.

Then we are eating the "bread ball thingys" and again, we both look at each other and agree it tastes like there is bacon in them. We both do not eat pork, so we leave it alone and the waiter comes by and we ask if there is bacon in the bread thingys. He tells us no, but there is gouda in there. *click* Smoked gouda! He tells us that is what we must have thought tasted like bacon. Good Lord we are stupid and far beyond embaressed, to the point that it no longer matters.

Then I thought my turnips tasted like potatos and was sure it was all a conspiracy and they wanted to make us look dumb.

:o :(

anyways...that is my horrible embaressing story. i shall hand my head in shame now.


Gatsby 11-07-2004 05:25 AM

Me: (trying to get in bed) Roll over. You're on my side. Make room.

My sister: (passed out in my bed fully clothed after drinking 7 beers and 2 shots of Jager in an hour and a half): Bleh wha?

Me: Roll over.

Sister: I am. (not moving)

Me: Roll over.

Sister: Ok. (not moving)

Me: Roll over.

Sister: I AM! (not moving)

Me: ROLL OVER!

Sister: (silence)

Me: (shaking sister): ROLL. OVER.

Sister: (silence).

Me: (shaking sister violently). ROLL OVER!!!!

Sister: long silence. Then, "Yeah. Okay. I am." (not moving)

Me: (turning on light). ROLL THE FVCK OVER I WANT TO GO TO BED!!!

Sister: Mleh.

Me: Roll. Over. Roll. Over. Roll. Over. (shaking sister)

Sister: (opening eyes): Huh?

Me: Roll over!

Sister: Was THAT what that was all about????!!!!! (rolls over, and then gets out of bed to go to bathroom).

(Sister come back from bathroom, and I ever-so-kindly help her change into loaned t-shirt and sweatpants. Sister passes back out.)

THIS MORNING:

(Sister): Melissa??

Me: Wha?

Sister: Did I change clothes last night?

Me: (explains)

Sister: I'm so glad I was here last night because I have no idea what happened.

Me: (thinking I'm WAAAYYYY too nice of a big sister.)

Yah.


AHHHHHHHHHH!

Magpie 11-08-2004 06:00 PM

Talking to doctor on the phone regarding a health concern...

Doc: "Are you ovulating right now?"

Magpie's mind: "WTF? Well, let me stand real still and quiet for a minute and I'll see if I can feel a microscopic egg being released...please hold." :rolleyes:

:D

zenbabe 11-08-2004 09:43 PM

heheheheh....I am so not telling!:D

funkytuba 11-08-2004 10:07 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Magpie
Doc: "Are you ovulating right now?"

Magpie's mind: "WTF? Well, let me stand real still and quiet for a minute and I'll see if I can feel a microscopic egg being released...please hold." :rolleyes:

All I could think of was *finger in corner of mouth*--*POP*

zenbabe 11-08-2004 10:15 PM

hahahaha!

Smartypants 11-08-2004 11:11 PM

Subject: Sad Moment

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person that almost went
unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age
93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

madasacutsnake 11-08-2004 11:41 PM

Quote:

i return to my original point. in all of the bible there is no reference to jesus being angry at "sinners", only at priests and lawyers. a point the religious right should be reminded of. rudely if possible.

madasacutsnake 11-08-2004 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Smartypants
Subject: Sad Moment

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person that almost went
unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age
93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up, Smarty.

Smartypants 11-08-2004 11:47 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by madasacutsnake
Shut up, Smarty.
Funny you should say that, c-snake, because at the end of the e-mail message I received that contained that, the original sender had written, "Shut up. You know it's funny."

:p :p

madasacutsnake 11-08-2004 11:53 PM

Hehe.

I just sent it out with an apology and disclaimer.

topcat 11-09-2004 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Smartypants
Subject: Sad Moment

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person that almost went
unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age
93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

this, my friend cracked me up

Avalon 11-09-2004 02:13 AM

Something to offend both sides :)

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush and John Kerry each the same letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still
in the game.

They opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
"S370HSSV-0773H."

Kerry was baffled, so he copied it and mailed it to John Edwards.

Edwards and his advisors had no clue either, so they sent it to the Democratic National Committee.

Bush was baffled, so he copied it and mailed it to Dick Cheney.

Cheney and his advisors had no clue either, so they sent it to the Republican National Committee.

No one could solve it, so it went to the National Education Association and then to MIT.

Kerry sent it to Michael Dukakis who then sent it to Teddy Kennedy.

Bush sent his to the CIA & DIA, which couldn't figure it out either.

Eventually they both asked Britain's MI6 for help. MI6 cabled back:

"Tell the President and the Presidential Hopeful that they are looking at the message upside down."

sparticle 11-09-2004 02:27 AM

Quote:

My take on religion goes like this.


At around 4, I was talking once to the Bink about God. I talked and talked and he stopped me, and looked at me funny and said, "What's this about God......you mean like in God Dammit?"

and I realized i had forgotten to tell him about a few things.



-- Aud

Smartypants 11-09-2004 05:18 AM

http://www.fvckthesouth.com <--- change the v to u for a workable link. :p

RuneT 11-09-2004 09:27 AM

Ahahahahaa Smartypants. Beale's gonna love this...

malarkey 11-09-2004 09:58 AM

something that made me laugh not today but yesterday is when Blake was serving a customer and he was taking their order and suddenly one of the other servers came up behind him and they pull the string on his apron and it fell down but Blake had forgot his belt and the other server didn't know that he was using the string to keep his pants up too! so his pants fell down!!!

Spicy Jack 11-09-2004 06:02 PM

maybe not today..but saturday....

A Prairie Home Companion / NPR

Cowboys

Quote:

SS: All we need to do is stay put where we are. Here in the red states.

RB: Right here in Utah.

TR: That's as red as it gets.

RB: The day Utah goes Democratic is the day George Bush eats snails.

SS: You got your red states all over the middle of the country, and the blue states mostly on the coasts. Global warming is going to take care of that. We melt the ice cap and raise the ocean level, and we'll be able to unite the country at last. Massachusetts will be one big lobster bed.

GK: What about Texas? That's on the ocean too.

TR: We'll build dikes.

SS: What'd you say?

GK: He said we'll put up levees.

trisherina 11-09-2004 07:28 PM

"I am not, I regret to say, a discreet and fetching sleeper. Most people when they nod off look as if they could do with a blanket; I look as if I could do with medical attention. I sleep as if injected with a powerful experimental muscle relaxant. My legs fall open in a grotesque come-hither manner; my knuckles brush the floor. Whatever is inside -- tongue, uvula, moist bubbles of intestinal air -- decides to leak out. From time to time, like one of those nodding-duck toys, my head tips forward to empty a quart or so of viscous drool onto my lap, then falls back to begin loading again with a noise like a toilet cistern filling. And I snore, hugely and helplessly, like a cartoon character, with rubbery flapping lips and prolonged steam-valve exhalations. For long periods I grow unnaturally still, in a way that inclines onlookers to exchange glances and lean forward in concern, then dramatically I stiffen and, after a tantalizing pause, begin to bounce and jostle in a series of whole-body spasms of the sort that bring to mind an electric chair when the switch is thrown. Then I shriek once or twice in a piercing and effeminate mannerand wake up to find that all motion within five hundred feet has stopped and all children under eight are clutching their mothers' hems. It is a terrible burden to bear."

-- Bill Bryson, In a Sunburned Country

madasacutsnake 11-09-2004 11:00 PM

What's with the aus lit lately?

Spicy Jack 11-09-2004 11:37 PM


trisherina 11-10-2004 03:39 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by madasacutsnake
What's with the aus lit lately?
Gotta make my glasses and dresser scarf feel at home.

dinzdale 11-10-2004 07:59 PM

Paddy the famous Irishman borrows his mates car to drive home after downing a few at the local pub.

He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path.

He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.

The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says..........

Fer Feck's sake, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

Willow Sylph 11-10-2004 09:49 PM

This made me crack up! Thanks Ava!. I really needed a good laugh today. :D



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by masterofNone
grow a sense of humor, dick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Originally posted by masterofNone
dumbass.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

quote: Avalon

Ya know, I was going to suggest Paxil or some other mood altering drug; I thought you might even grow weary of being the crabby old bastard of the board. Guess not.
I think this may be what is in order. No need to bend over.
This sweet enough for you?



Spicy Jack 11-11-2004 06:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Smartypants
But I was thinking something a bit skimpier and show-offy, like this.

(Althought I realize unless I disrobe completely and get excited so my tattooed name can be seen in its entire length, your version is a more tasteful way of letting people know my name without speaking it.)


First shock, then laughter that could scare the co-workers! OMG! I love the detail of the "happy-trail" and "package". WOW!

red 11-11-2004 06:28 PM

Spicy Jack's staircase

Spicy Jack 11-11-2004 08:14 PM

SMARTYPANTS!

madasacutsnake 11-11-2004 11:01 PM

^^

What they said and:

Quote:

Originally posted by Coffee


**** you.
fvck you.

I HAT you.
Leave me alone.

Go away.
fvck you...you go away.

Stop touching me.
fvck you...that's your hand.

Ya...well, you made it move.
Grow up.


Avalon 11-11-2004 11:06 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is what it would be like if moN were siamese twins:p

madasacutsnake 11-12-2004 02:42 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Hyakujo's Fox
Is not rat, is Filigree Siberian hamster.

-- Manuel



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