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-   -   this is dumb, but (http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin_new/showthread.php?t=3066)

fodder 10-20-2003 07:00 PM

this is dumb, but
in relationships, is it possible for two people to ever be equally as needy and receptive and reinforcing/validating, or is it always one person who is needy and the other is backing away and the roles switch, etc

or, is there anyway to get past inevitable unconscious power struggles in marriages/relationships/friendships

(even tho the latter is part of 'relationships' i just wanted to specify-- if the power struggle isnt inevitable in friendships then why not and how is that different, etc)

Antimatter 10-20-2003 07:10 PM

tit fo' tat

fodder 10-20-2003 07:13 PM

get out

catbelly 10-20-2003 07:14 PM

I don't think it's dumb at all, it's a major issue in any relationship IMO.

As a starter... I think that power is different from being the giver/taker in a relationship. A giver can be in the power position by withholding or controlling what he/she gives ... the taker can be in the power position by forcing the other person to give through various tactics.

I think there is a natural ebb and flow in relationships, ideally it all balances out in the end. When it doesn't balance out I think it's unhealthy.

Re: romantic relationships vs. friendships where power is concerned, I don't think friendships are as prone to the struggle simply because with a friend your life isn't as "married" to the other person's so if you want different things it's not such a big deal. You know? It's pretty rare that you would make life decisions based on how they would affect someone who is not a part of your family (the way a spouse is).

What do you think, fodder?

Antimatter 10-20-2003 07:14 PM

oh sorry, i'll let fatbelly and the other geniuses field this one

edit: hey look she already did

catbelly 10-20-2003 07:18 PM

I'm trying out the "ignore" function, it's kind of cool - you can see that someone has posted, but instead of seeing their post, you see a message that says "this person is on your ignore list" and it gives you a link in case you want to see their post after all. I like it!

Antimatter 10-20-2003 07:19 PM


catbelly 10-20-2003 09:12 PM

Fodder fodder bo bodder banana fanna fo fodder me mi mo modder, FODDER

OK lady you are the queen of starting threads and then screwing off! Come back here and participate in your discussion, dammit :) :) :)

fodder 10-20-2003 09:18 PM

i am curious about you, not mahself

catbelly 10-20-2003 09:30 PM

Yes, but conversation should go both ways, no? Sort of like the relationships we are talking about? Both people have to give, not just take take take take or everything comes to a standstill and soon you're eating TV dinners all by yourself with you 30 cats and wondering where things went wrong? COME BACK TO ME FODDER, COME BAAAACK


Antimatter 10-20-2003 10:21 PM


catbelly 10-20-2003 10:23 PM

Yes fodder, follow NYC's example and answer your own questions! Er... you do that, right Peg? :)

Edited to add, I am experimenting with blocking antimatter for the moment so I will have to trust in everyone's judgement that you all know that what I'm posting is not influenced by what he's saying. Thankee :)

fodder 10-20-2003 10:46 PM

fine, fine

i think it's very rare that two equally needy people find eachother and both maintain equal neediness throughout the relationship

i think it's generally true that one person is needy when the other is backing away, the roles of each person always changing, so there's always that balance

i think maybe the only time it can be equal is after some event that equally affects both people: a death, doing drugs, making up after a fight, having sex, both winning something, etc. either way, only a temporary feeling of unity can make it completely even, otherwise one person is always up and the other is down, vice versa

do you agree/disagree/how do you feel about that/how has it or does it affect you?

Antimatter 10-20-2003 11:03 PM

it also depends on how those types of feelings are dealt with

feelings of neediness or insecurity can bring about unity if the insecure one goes to the secure one with the issue and the secure one is understanding and such (excuse the corny sounding talk)

however, if moderate to extreme security/insecurity is dealt w/in a manner that's destructive to the relationship it's obviously gonna be bad

just a matter of selfishness/ego levels, it seems

point being that inequal levels of power are only a problem with people who deeply care about their power level (i.e. a person with a fat ego in regards to the opposite sex, or a person who likes to be always dominant/submissive)

fodder 10-20-2003 11:05 PM

yeah, very well put

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