When the wind blows this hard, I tingle
I'm married but act like I'm single

When the wind blows this hard, I tingle
I'm married but act like I'm single
At strangers I'm winking
and secretly thinking

When the wind blows this hard, I tingle
I'm married but act like I'm single
At strangers I'm winking
and secretly thinking
Of all of the ways we could mingle.

I'm hormonally challenged as well

I'm hormonally challenged as well
So you people can all go to hell

I'm hormonally challenged as well
So you people can all go to hell
I'll continue my b*tching
I'll scratch where I'm itching

I'm hormonally challenged as well
just in case you found it hard to tell
I'll continue my b*tching
I'll scratch where I'm itching
So you people can all go to hell

The monkey was scratching his back

The monkey was scratching his back
When he heard an most ominous quack

The monkey was scratching his back
When he heard an most ominous quack
A duck with a gun
had come up at a run
yelling, "Monkey, you should have bought AFLAC!"

The worst thing about life underground

The worst thing about life underground
Is not just the absence of sound

The worst thing about life underground
Is not just the absence of sound
It's the long endless night

The worst thing about life underground
Is not just the absence of sound
It's the long endless night
With the absence of light

The worst thing about life underground
Is not just the absence of sound
It's the long endless night
With the absence of light
and barely a friend to be found

Now someone's upset Baby Jesus

Now someone's upset Baby Jesus
He's wailing in hitches and wheezes

Now someone's upset Baby Jesus
He's wailing in hitches and wheezes
The ox and the lamb

Now someone's upset Baby Jesus
He's wailing in hitches and wheezes
The ox and the lamb
Decided to scram

Now someone's upset Baby Jesus
He's wailing in hitches and wheezes
The ox and the lamb
Decided to scram
And the shepherds have been brought to their knees(us)

And so began, kneeling in prayer

And so began, kneeling in prayer
A day of most awful despair

And so began, kneeling in prayer,
A day of most awful despair --
The Wise Men appeared

And so began, kneeling in prayer,
A day of most awful despair --
The Wise Men appeared
And quoth, "Be not afeard!"

And so began, kneeling in prayer,
A day of most awful despair --
The Wise Men appeared
And quoth, "Be not afeard!"
We've got myrrh and frankincense to spare

But that colicky savior kept wailing

But that colicky savior kept wailing
While dreaming of crosses and nailing

But that colicky savior kept wailing
While dreaming of crosses and nailing
The wise men, annoyed

But that colicky savior kept wailing
While dreaming of crosses and nailing
The wise men, annoyed,
Were quoting from Freud

But that colicky savior kept wailing
While dreaming of crosses and nailing
The wise men, annoyed,
Were quoting from Freud
"Unwed mothers!" "Oedipus's failing"

Try as I might I can't find

Try as I might I can't find
A lawyer so ethically blind

Try as I might I can't find
A lawyer so ethically blind
As to do all my bidding

Try as I might I can't find
A lawyer so ethically blind
As to do all my bidding
But who am I kidding

Try as I might I can't find
A lawyer so ethically blind
As to do all my bidding
But who am I kidding
my pockets aren't well-enough lined

On Tuesday the moving van came

On Tuesday the moving van came
To my house, but they had the wrong name

On Tuesday the moving van came
To my house, but they had the wrong name
so instead of four big guys
they sent just one small fry

On Tuesday the moving van came
To my house, but they had the wrong name
so instead of four big guys
they sent just one small fry
I'm Waldo, not Bilbo, how lame.

My Christmas tree is no longer green
It's a pathetic sight to be seen

My Christmas tree is no longer green
It's a pathetic sight to be seen
At the end of the year
It dies, like my cheer