On Tuesday I lost the remote

On Tuesday I lost the remote
On Wednesday, my contact lens tote
By Sunday, I fear

On Tuesday I lost the remote
On Wednesday, my contact lens tote
By Sunday, I fear
That everything here

On Tuesday I lost the remote
On Wednesday, my contact lens tote
By Sunday, I fear
That everything here
Will be somewhere inside that darned goat

In the morning, I found Edith's shoe

In the morning, I found Edith's shoe
In the bathtub wedged up against you

In the morning, I found Edith's shoe
In the bathtub wedged up against you
Your face all the while
Wore Edith's new smile

In the morning, I found Edith's shoe
In the bathtub wedged up against you
Your face all the while
Wore Edith's new smile
But she needs those new dentures to chew.

It's too hard to chew with just gums
So she stole some false teeth of her mum's

It's too hard to chew with just gums
So she stole some false teeth of her mum's
They had such a poor fit
That her face simply split

It's too hard to chew with just gums
So she stole some false teeth of her mum's
They had such a poor fit
That her face simply split
Now she dribbles out bubbles and crumbs.

With a far away look in her eyes

With a far away look in her eyes
She imagined her husband's surprise

With a far away look in her eyes
She imagined her husband's surprise
When he opened the box
Full of bagels and lox

With a far away look in her eyes
She imagined her husband's surprise
When he opened the box
Full of bagels and lox
The underwear wasn't his size!