^^^^^Is there a "what makes me cringe" thread?

thats animal cruelty!

FROM A DOG'S DIARY

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The Kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Mum! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

Day 183 Of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induces myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

I decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.

The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait...

__________________________________________________ _______________I can wait...

The runner at the office put a Fed Ex (priority overnight) in the U.S. Postal Service mail box. Poor thing, some people are so clueless.

pssst..dont tell anyone..but...
the post office outsources to fed ex and vice versa.
This fact won't help your guy, but it is true, none the less.

Yes, but it didn't help to get the check the the doctor's office that it needed to get to today, for an appointment on Monday.

All worked out, for his benefit because angry lawyers and doctors are not a good combination.

Yeah, lawyers suck. :)

Not when the door to their door is shut. ;) Just kidding.


My neighbors just told me a story that made me laugh. . . He recently visited Independance, Missouri. He originally stopped there to check out Harry Truman's house. Two block's away he found none other than a casket outlet store. :confused:

But it gets better. . . next door to the casket store was a hawaian religious store.

. . .I guess Harry Truman really did come from humble beginnings.

"His son said, 'He seems so cold.'"

(I will say nothing more other than to ecksplain that the gentleman in question was BLEEDING DEMISED.)

^^

Never tell HER anything.........

I am the soul of discretion.

still better than the Hoff

Frieda!!
Are Milli Vanilli the new Hasselhoff?? :p

You are dead to me now.

:D

I was trying to find a nice way to say something about the drum set behind leo...this is so much better. :D :D :D

David Hasselhoff looks like a woman dressed up like a man.

David Hasselhoff IS a woman dressed up like a man. A woman on hormone-therapy-gone-awry.

^^^hahahahahaha

"look free penguins!!!"

actual conversation

fool: kentucky's in wisconsin, right?

me: yes, it is.

The Cleveland Indians general manager is wondering what to do for some better pitching, when one of his assistants suggests they follow up a lead on a 17 yr old Iraqi kid. They travel top Bagdad, and watch as the kid throws 100 mph fastballs, wicked sliders and a curveball that moves both ways.
The Indians sign the boy and he takes the mound on opening day. Everyone is ther to see the young Iraqi pitch. 3 hours later the younmg lad is the talk of the baseball world as he throws 9 innings of shut-out baseball, including 22 strikeouts, as the opponents are made to look silly, flailing away and missing embarrasingly.
Later that evening, he calls his mother to tell her of how great everyone has trested him, and what a great day he had.
"Well good for you my selfish son", berates his mother. "While you were having fun playing your silly game, your father was shot in the leg, you sister was abducted by a street gang, and your younger brother was arrested for looting"
"I'm sorry mother", says the boy, now in tears.
"And so you should be, after all, it was your idea to bring us all to Cleveland"

He should be glad the Astros didn't sign him.

Where the Hell do you work?

And if you're not getting paid to hear that, you need some new friends.

^^ it was the cashier at the place where i get my lunch everyday. I had a very hard time not laughing right then and there.

Their food must be good.

Tell her that even I know where Kentucky is.

Dimwutt.

kentucky is where the fried chicken comes from!!

and i *heart* fried chicken!!!

^^ i thought she was joking -- i just sort of shook my head and wasn't sure what to say....i figured it would be easier for me to not try and explain why kentucky is in fact not in wisconsin.

:rolleyes:

Because it's in, like, Kentucky?

You're so patient. I would have to buy a huge farking map, write "Kentucky HERE, Wisconsin HERE" in big red letters and present her with it in the middle of the lunch-time rush.

hahaha!!

wisconsin's in massachusetts - nowhere near kentucky

Rimmer, you go home for lunch and that is your mother.

oh my god the three of you just cracked me up.................and dinz so what if my mom is DUMB!!

^^

You're the one giving her money.

My most memorable roomie from Camp Wanaweewee sent me a Christmas card.