lol!

:)

:rolleyes:

A Montana rancher was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.?


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. ? Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,? "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,? "Okay, why not?" ? You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" ? "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

^^^ Hahah!

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
 

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8 . Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ..

10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

:D

Is it possible that no one's posted this here, or did I just miss it?

Smarty -OMG - had not seen that!! Saw Julia S. last night on TV and enjoyed the the "Purple Dinosaur in the Garage" thingy. :) She's great!!

santa
 

:) he knows when you are sleeping
he knows when you're awake
santa the stalker:)

No, he just works for the NSA :eek:

In class today-

person behind me: I can't believe it, just this week I've lost like six pens!
me (loudly) to friend: It's so weird, I just keep finding all these pens.

Another of those very-funny-but-actually-not-funny-at-all videos from Stephen Colbert:

I love this thread, and this just cracked me up. :D

mama's lathas
 

:) mama's deli
come for the latkas
stay for the guilt:)
jim


We don't like spam

CHEERS!! Umm... I mean Amen, Brother. :o :D

Je ne sais pas si ceci me faisait rire, exactement, mais il est certainement incroyable!

Will Smith on the Tonight Show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA


^^^uncensored version of trish's earlier post

True Story from Gay Flight Attendant

On a recent flight I was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food
and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told
us that "Captain Marvel has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. He stopped in front of her and
said "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked
you to please raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on
the ground without getting us all messed up."

The Woman calmly turned her head and said in a confident and stern voice,
"In my country, I am referred to as Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I therefore I would outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

From etiquettehelldotcom


I had a friend who worked at the checkout counter of a grocery store in high school, around the time that they started making fat free mayonnaise. The store had a big display of the product in question, "Kraft Free Mayonnaise."

One night when my friend was working, a woman came up to her register with an entire cart full of mayonnaise...basically, the entire display shelf. My friend thought this was a little odd, but rang it all up anyways. When she gave the woman the total, the woman just stared at her and said, "I'm not paying that! These are FREE! It says so right on the bottle!" My friend tried to explain that the label on the product referred to the fact that the product was FAT free, not that it was being given away at no charge, but the woman wasn't having any of it. Finally, a manager had to be called over to handle the customer, who was practically foaming at the mouth. She finally left, without any mayonnaise. All of which begs the question, even if you're dumb enough to think that Kraft has created a product that they are just going to give away free all the time, and even if you missed all the publicity about what this product was, and even if you missed the price display on the shelf you took all the bottles from, what in the world is any one human being going to do with fifty jars of mayonnaise???

Oh, Mad. *sigh*

You SO obviously don't live in San Francisco.

That was fantastic!! ^^

^^^^ Wow!!! He is great!!!!

Thanks, Beckstra! That just got forwarded EVERYWHERE! :D

From Mind of Mencia (starts right away - sound on)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91MtHvcespM

From Comics Come Home this year with Denis Leary

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXb6Z2ISMYM

also from that etiquette site:

One night I was working at a large pizza chain that required a standard telephone greeting. A customer called and I automatically answered, "Thank you for calling Father's Pizza on Main Street. May I help you?" The customer asked, "Is this a recording?" It had been a very long night. I answered, "Yes, it is." There was a short pause and the customer said, "Oh, okay" and hung up. I imagine that he just looked at his phone after that and immediately called one of our competitors!

OK I'll bite.

Are there lots of dumb people in San Francisco?

Are there lots of cheap people in San Francisco?

Or is there some weird mayonnaise fetish thing that I don't know about?

carell and colbert = <3
 

never fails to make me giggle.... :D

Bingo!

my boyfriend leaves for work at 5 am every morning... and today when i woke up at 7:30 he was there cuddling with me... he was awake but he said he wanted to get in more cuddle time with me today. :) :o

I think I'm going to be sick....

here ya go...