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-   -   Post something that made you laugh today. (http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin_new/showthread.php?t=4329)

karma_queen 01-12-2006 03:55 PM

today i insulted a pole, who turned out to have an alcoholic father... serious foot in mouth situation

craig johnston 01-12-2006 07:59 PM

a telephone pole?

Jack Flanders 01-12-2006 08:50 PM

I think an ethnic one. Ya gotta be careful what you say to anyone.

~*WickedAngel*~ 01-13-2006 12:59 AM

Today I was out having lunch with my fiance and some friends, and one of HIS friends had been staring off into space for the entire lunch. Finally when the check comes, he shouts, "We're teenage enima nurses in bondage!"

lapietra 01-13-2006 04:27 AM

Today I took Merlin to the vet (yes, I have my kitties back with me - YAY!) because he's been suffering from chronic squirty poos :( He's been tested for worms and been on Flagyl so it's not that... prolly IBS which is treatable (he's in good health otherwise).
Anyhoo - the vet examined him and went into his diagnosis and recommendations, amongst which was to have a very expensive blood workup (to make sure Mer doesn't have cancer or something else serious) which I can't really afford (and, to be honest, doesn't seem necessary since he's so glossy and clear-eyed and energetic) and yet I want to do everything I can for the little guy. And talking with the vet some more brought up all these memories of one of my past kitties who I had to have put down because of cancer, that I couldn't afford the surgery for, and I got all verklempt, and was trying to hide it, but it welled up and I got all leaky. The vet went on regardless which didn't help matters because of course he was talking about more things I couldn't afford. Bah.
In the meantime, Mer's been wandering around the room and is now sitting there cleaning himself. Suddenly the vet says, "What a cute tongue you've got there!" I look over at Mer, and he's looking back and forth at both of us, with his tongue about half-way out of his mouth, like he's sticking his tongue out at us. I started laughing, which of course made me stop crying :) Sweet kitty. How do they know?
(I ended up compromising and getting the breathtakingly expensive special food and some steroids... hopefully Mer's squirts will improve).

Smartypants 01-14-2006 04:00 PM

You're part of a community, pissing away your lives...together!

zenbabe 01-14-2006 06:54 PM

hahhahaha, Surf drunk dialed me last night..hahahahhahha! :D

trisherina 01-15-2006 02:35 AM

nostalgia

Smartypants 01-15-2006 09:32 PM

You wanna be a terrist?

ambo 01-16-2006 09:39 PM

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Smartypants 01-16-2006 10:01 PM

A man wakes one morning to find his pet duck lying lifeless in the yard. He's very fond of the duck and can't believe it's really dead, so he takes it to the vet and asks to have it examined.

He places the duck on the examination table and asks the vet's opinion.

"I don't know what you want me to tell you, mister," says the vet. "It's pretty obvious that the duck's dead."

The man is too upset to accept the truth. "Are you absolutely sure?" he asks. "How can you know, positively?"

"Well, if it will make you feel better, I could get a couple of other opinions."

"Yes! Anything!" cries the man hopefully.

So the vet leaves the room for a moment and comes back with a large dog who runs up to the table, sniffs at the duck, and seeing that the duck is dead loses all interest and trots out of the room.

The vet goes out again and comes back with a cat. He places it on the table next to the duck, but the cat sniffs around the dead bird for a moment disinterested and then and jumps off the table and out of the room.

"Well, I'm afraid it's confirmed," the vet tells the man. "Your duck is definitely dead."

Sighing sadly, the man thanks the doctor and asks what he owes.

"That'll be $479.00," the vet replies.

"WHAT?!" cries the man. "$479!!?? Just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

"Well," says the vet, "it would have been much cheaper without the lab report and the cat scan."

zenbabe 01-16-2006 10:30 PM

buh dum ching!

~*WickedAngel*~ 01-17-2006 12:59 AM

My soon-to-be mother in law ambushed me at the dinner I had last night with my fiance, her, and my soon-to-be father in law. Since my fiance and I are getting married on Halloween of 2007, with a Halloween theme party where everyone comes in costume, she thought it would be fun to have the tablecloths at the reception be orange, and have small dead trees as center pieces.

Smartypants 01-17-2006 01:09 AM

^^ Halloween 2007?? What's your big hurry? :confused:

Brynn 01-17-2006 08:26 PM


Jack Flanders 01-17-2006 08:31 PM

^^^ Hahaha! That'll teach 'em!!!!

ambo 01-18-2006 02:25 AM

Oh, I like that !

Smartypants 01-18-2006 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinzdale
Wed 18th

Would you believe it! Me, Sir Adrian Bollocks, marooned aboard this 75 ft yacht just off the Bahamas. I should never have let Buzz Aldrin steer.

ROFLMAO!! :D

Hyakujo's Fox 01-19-2006 10:10 PM

Q. What has 9 arms and sucks?

A. Def Leppard

Smartypants 01-21-2006 05:44 AM

This Week In God

LadyCrow 01-21-2006 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hyakujo's Fox
Q. What has 9 arms and sucks?

A. Def Leppard

I used to be a big DL fan back in the day, & even saw them in concert once. Kicked ass, imo. But still... Ouch!

;)

LadyCrow 01-21-2006 09:46 AM

What made me laugh today? The fact that I woke up early on a Saturday, especially when I didn't have to.

Bleck.

:rolleyes:

ambo 01-22-2006 12:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lapietra
Today I took Merlin to the vet (yes, I have my kitties back with me - YAY!) because he's been suffering from chronic squirty poos :( He's been tested for worms and been on Flagyl so it's not that... prolly IBS which is treatable (he's in good health otherwise).
Anyhoo - the vet examined him and went into his diagnosis and recommendations, amongst which was to have a very expensive blood workup (to make sure Mer doesn't have cancer or something else serious) which I can't really afford (and, to be honest, doesn't seem necessary since he's so glossy and clear-eyed and energetic) and yet I want to do everything I can for the little guy. And talking with the vet some more brought up all these memories of one of my past kitties who I had to have put down because of cancer, that I couldn't afford the surgery for, and I got all verklempt, and was trying to hide it, but it welled up and I got all leaky. The vet went on regardless which didn't help matters because of course he was talking about more things I couldn't afford. Bah.
In the meantime, Mer's been wandering around the room and is now sitting there cleaning himself. Suddenly the vet says, "What a cute tongue you've got there!" I look over at Mer, and he's looking back and forth at both of us, with his tongue about half-way out of his mouth, like he's sticking his tongue out at us. I started laughing, which of course made me stop crying :) Sweet kitty. How do they know?
(I ended up compromising and getting the breathtakingly expensive special food and some steroids... hopefully Mer's squirts will improve).

How is Mer, Lala ?

lapietra 01-22-2006 03:18 AM

He's okay... I think he likes the fancy new food the vet prescribed - a limited ingredient diet of proteins his tummy wouldn't be familiar with - rabbit and green pea, venison and green pea, and duck and green pea - i.e., not mixed together, in separate cans. Of course I feel a little twinge of the conscience - I wouldn't normally feed him those animals! but it seems to be helping a little - I don't have to clean the walls next to the litterbox as often :rolleyes: Time will tell whether it's the right thing. (I think I'll spring for the blood test next month ;))
Arthur is, of course, included in sampling the menu - what's weird is both of them got sick of the bunny food a couple of days in, so I had to go get cans of the other meats so I could rotate them. I asked the technician if cats are cliquish that way - "Oh, I'm SO bored with the rabbit mousse - you should be too!" She said yeah, maybe. Funny little guys. :) However, I figured out if I withheld the dry nibbles ($27 for an 8 lb. bag :eek: ) overnight, they'll eat anything I put down - which is good, 'cos I moosh up Mer's steroid into the wet food (otherwise I have to wrestle with him to get it down him, which we both hate).
He's getting to be an old kitty. I'm grateful Arthur is so healthy!

Smartypants 01-22-2006 04:26 PM

"The only thing worse than Republicans or Democrats... is when these pricks work together."

Lewis Black and his plans for improving the economy (among other things).

(10 mins)

ambo 01-22-2006 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lapietra
He's okay... I think he likes the fancy new food the vet prescribed - a limited ingredient diet of proteins his tummy wouldn't be familiar with - rabbit and green pea, venison and green pea, and duck and green pea - i.e., not mixed together, in separate cans. Of course I feel a little twinge of the conscience - I wouldn't normally feed him those animals! but it seems to be helping a little - I don't have to clean the walls next to the litterbox as often :rolleyes: Time will tell whether it's the right thing. (I think I'll spring for the blood test next month ;))
Arthur is, of course, included in sampling the menu - what's weird is both of them got sick of the bunny food a couple of days in, so I had to go get cans of the other meats so I could rotate them. I asked the technician if cats are cliquish that way - "Oh, I'm SO bored with the rabbit mousse - you should be too!" She said yeah, maybe. Funny little guys. :) However, I figured out if I withheld the dry nibbles ($27 for an 8 lb. bag :eek: ) overnight, they'll eat anything I put down - which is good, 'cos I moosh up Mer's steroid into the wet food (otherwise I have to wrestle with him to get it down him, which we both hate).
He's getting to be an old kitty. I'm grateful Arthur is so healthy!

Oh, I know just which food you are using. I have been around the block more than once with IBS/IBD. I have two kitties that have the runs a lot. I use Psyllium Seed Husk and Slippery Elm to control it. Glad Mer is doing better.

And to get back on topic:

Mujibar was trying to get into America legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter America." Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready." The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, "Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at AOL/DELL on the Help Desk.

Jack Flanders 01-22-2006 08:37 PM

I think I spoke to him him recently at Dell. Absolutely nothing made me laugh today. My husband was having kaniption (SP?) or should I say bratty fits over nothing most of the afternoon. Then we took down the *Holiday* tree. Oh, yah, I remember. He broke a glass ornament that his mother gave him. I was in the basement with the laundry and heard, "OH, SH*T!" Then the tinkle of glass flying across the floor above me. That made me laugh. :D :D :D

Frieda 01-23-2006 07:32 PM

pi

Smartypants 01-24-2006 02:33 AM

President Bush's "Blame Czar"

little john 01-24-2006 01:56 PM

What made me laugh this morning? Watching Judge Antonin Scalia getting grilled and squirming over the fact that instead of attending Chief Justice Robert's swearing-in ceremony (I mean for pete's sake, the guy is your boss now, stop sulking), he was repeatedly filmed at a private resort in Colorado at the invitation of a conservative legal society, playing tennis, shopping, and drinking cocktails.

I really love watching those smug guys sweating.

Smartypants 01-25-2006 02:14 AM


Jack Flanders 01-25-2006 03:54 PM

[IMG]jdbshow.com/images/wtf/wtf/wtf179.jpg[/IMG]

This is for you Frieda!

Jack Flanders 01-25-2006 04:04 PM

ignore this - I'm working out a problem :mad: :mad: :mad:

Jack Flanders 01-25-2006 04:05 PM



This is for you, Frieda!!

Thanks, Gatsby - I finally figured out the image thing!!! :rolleyes: :D

Smartypants 01-26-2006 05:11 PM


RuneT 01-27-2006 08:23 AM

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'

The man says: 'I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.'

priceyfatprude 01-28-2006 12:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trisherina

LOL

trisherina 01-28-2006 07:38 PM

.
Quote:

By all accounts, Palestinians didn't choose Hamas because they reject peace talks with Israel but rather because they were fed up with graft in the ruling Fatah Party. Hamas candidates ran on a platform of clean government, largely de-emphasizing their militant credentials.

Samih al-Hattab, a 32-year-old policeman in Gaza City, said he voted for Hamas because "everyone wants change," but said he expected the group to soften its stances once in power.


madasacutsnake 01-28-2006 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hyakujo's Fox
abolla (n) the path traced by a drunk greek

Frustrated by his inability to square the circle with straightedge and compass, the philosopher Dahellamakakes eventually found he could establish many geometric results that had eluded that smarmy bastard Euclid, using only a beerbottle and table napkin. Chief among these was the construction of the abolla, the shortest path between the two local taverns that avoided passing Archimedes' house (to whom he owed money). Unfortunately most of his finest results were lost to history, many of them in fact, by the following morning.

.

jasmina 01-29-2006 02:38 PM

.


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