:D

oh man, had me in tears
"let's take a pop tart and fill it with nasty meat!"


Hot Pocket:

A fleeing Al Qaida guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The old Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"O.K.," said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Several hours later the Arab staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

his hot pocket bit makes me laugh so hard that i cry and can't breathe and hours later when it pops back into my head the laughter starts all over again.

and again, right this minute.

The Italian Golfer

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy,"and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?" "He's still akick'n."

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

^^ HA.

I looked after an old bloke in his eighties who used to ramble on about his father visiting. We paid no heed until the day his dad actually turned up. Dad was over 100.

Pretty sad when you have to visit your kids in the nursing home :-)

For^^^

A nurse walks into a bank. While preparing to write a check, she pulls out a rectal themometer from her purse and tries to write with it.

The nurse looks up at the shocked bank teller watching her and without missing a beat says, "Well, that's great....... that's really great...... . Some asshole has got my pen."

And what's the difference between an oral thermometer and rectal themometer? The taste.

caliente pocket!
 

LOL
me too!
we have hot pockets in our freezer, and whenever i open it part of his stand up thing pops into my head and i crack up
"have you tried the hot pocket hot pocket? It's a hot pocket filled with a hot pocket... it taste just like a hot pocket!!"

"Hot Pockets... brilliant, not quite as good as 'by Mennen'..."

"what's it going to sound like in mexico?"
"um..... caliente pockets?"
"you, sir, have a gift."

Yeesh! That's... different.

If I was ever going to do something that, I don't think I would choose dogs.

mice? hippos? not that it's any of my business.

No, those are her "Puppies!"