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-   -   ★ our subtle torments in hell ★ (http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin_new/showthread.php?t=15061)

Marcus Bales 04-30-2008 03:28 PM

In hell you can never find the staple-eater except when you're looking for the stapler, and if you've just seen the stapler you're looking for, all you can find is the staple-eater.

Especially when you're in a hurry.

lukkucairi 04-30-2008 05:48 PM

in hell, you have to cold call.

brightpearl 04-30-2008 11:17 PM

In hell, all the cats are Siamese.

treekisser 05-01-2008 09:31 AM

In hell, Muzak is piped in everywhere nonstop.

zero 05-01-2008 10:55 AM

hell:it's a bulletin board

Brynn 05-01-2008 01:45 PM

In hell there are no curved lines.

lukkucairi 05-01-2008 10:57 PM

in hell, nobody holds your hand.

Marcus Bales 05-02-2008 12:17 AM

In hell there's no stairway to heaven. No free bird, either.

Jack Flanders 05-02-2008 01:23 AM

but millions of bics or zippos!!

Anna 05-02-2008 02:19 AM

In hell, only one of two political parties ever win and they are both the same. Wait, hold on!

zero 05-02-2008 07:36 AM

we live in the eternal hope that the promising-sounding usernames we see signing up each day are The Sparkly & Shiny Ones, come to save us from one-another. but our hopes are dashed time and again as they always turn out to be spam mongers.

Marcus Bales 05-02-2008 07:44 AM

In hell you you can't be saved.

YsaPur EsChomuw 05-02-2008 08:06 AM

In hell every fortune-cookie contains only spam.

Marcus Bales 05-02-2008 10:14 AM

In hell Oreo cookies taste like Brussels sprouts.

There may be people who would like that.

I wish them the joy of it.


YsaPur EsChomuw 05-02-2008 01:15 PM


Originally Posted by Marcus Bales (Post 385869)
In hell Oreo cookies taste like Brussels sprouts.

Naturally, except for those who like Brussel sprouts. They are in for a completely unexpected sensation burning in their mouth.

Coffee 05-02-2008 01:56 PM

In hell there are plenty of gullible folks who want to believe it when some charlatan convinces them that, if they do as he says (usually involving an exchange of money, freedom, and/or power), there is a better life waiting for them after they fry.

Marcus Bales 05-02-2008 02:00 PM

^That sounds like heaven for the charlatans.

YsaPur EsChomuw 05-02-2008 03:25 PM

In hell, every itch one gets is always on unsratchable places.

treekisser 05-02-2008 03:40 PM

In hell, everyone is required to have one root canal performed each week -without novocaine.

Marcus Bales 05-02-2008 03:42 PM

Unscratchable in the sense that one simply cannot reach them, or in the sense that they're in places one cannot scratch in polite company? Still, how polite could the company be, in hell? So it must be in places where one simply cannot reach them.

In hell people keep asking questions about what you've been clear about, and then go on to conclude that you were right all along.

brightpearl 05-02-2008 03:43 PM

In hell, we can never find the tweezers.

Marcus Bales 05-02-2008 03:48 PM

In hell, you walk around with a huge boner all the time, and every time you try to touch it some imp bites your hand off, but every once in a while a demon will come along and reach out and grasp it and for a moment you think you're going to get some relief and then he rips it off and throws it into a pit and you scream until you look down and see it has all grown back and you have a huge boner again, and when you try to touch it to reassure yourself of your old friend, imps come by and bite your hands off again.

YsaPur EsChomuw 05-02-2008 03:52 PM

In hell, you somehow always end up saying the opposite of what you actually want to say.

Marcus Bales 05-02-2008 03:56 PM

In hell all grant requests are a day late no matter how early you submit them.

YsaPur EsChomuw 05-02-2008 04:01 PM


Originally Posted by Marcus Bales (Post 385920)
until you look down and see it has all grown back...

Until, one day, it doesn't. When that time comes you're required to sing out loud all of your requests in a falsetto voice which makes everybody turn their backs on you.

Brynn 05-02-2008 09:21 PM

Hell has no poets.

YsaPur EsChomuw 05-04-2008 03:41 PM

The only ice-cream stand in hell sells unusual flavours... They make you burn slowly from the inside, too.

lukkucairi 05-05-2008 12:34 AM

in hell, it's always allergy season, and there are no kleenex.

YsaPur EsChomuw 05-05-2008 01:06 AM

In hell, the shortage of kleenex is due to the fact that it became the basic material for food-processing industries. All food is made of tissue paper and tastes like it, too.

Marcus Bales 05-05-2008 01:30 AM

In hell no one judges The Dictionary Game

lukkucairi 05-05-2008 08:50 PM

in hell, there are only ill-fitting brassieres.

Marcus Bales 05-05-2008 11:34 PM

In hell your cup chafes so bad you take it out -- and instantly a foul tip catches you in the nuts.

lukkucairi 05-05-2008 11:38 PM

in hell, you've lost your 3-iron.

Coffee 05-06-2008 02:42 AM

In Hell if you misbehave they say you will suffer for eternity on Earth if you don't shape up.

lukkucairi 05-06-2008 04:41 AM

in hell you have a lot of work to do the next day so you try to be good and get to sleep at 10 only to wake up again at 1:30 in a panic because it's spring and you've left the houseplants outside and it might be too cold for them and then you get up and find that it's not that cold after all and now you're awake in the middle of the night and you've got no idea what to do with yourself.

so you bring the houseplants in anyway.

every night.

treekisser 05-07-2008 01:30 PM

In hell, every purveyor of junkmail knows where you live.

treekisser 05-07-2008 01:31 PM

In hell, every purveyor of junkmail knows where you live.

Coffee 05-07-2008 02:25 PM

In hell every other time you post something on a message board it double posts.

YsaPur EsChomuw 05-08-2008 01:12 AM

In hell, you get shat on by some pigeon every day.

Marcus Bales 05-08-2008 08:13 AM

In hell you don't get breakfast, continental or otherwise.

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