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-   -   ★ our subtle torments in hell ★ (http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin_new/showthread.php?t=15061)

zero 04-21-2008 11:03 AM

★ our subtle torments in hell ★
in hell, our sock elasticity is eternally untaut. every 30 paces we are compelled to take our shoes off to resolve the aggressively bunched mess under our feet.

lukkucairi 04-21-2008 11:41 AM

in hell, our eyelashes are constantly falling out and dropping into our eyes.

Frieda 04-21-2008 12:00 PM

in hell, we set our hair on fire and scorch our fingernails every single time we're cooking. and just as it grows back, it happens again.

Marcus Bales 04-21-2008 12:07 PM

In hell we're frying bacon naked.

YsaPur EsChomuw 04-21-2008 12:22 PM

In hell there's constant gnashing of teeth because various pieces of food (e.g. from fried bacon rind) get stuck between them and refuse to come unstuck. People gnash their theeth until they are all worn down and hurt. Oh, and there's no dentist to fix them. (Busy doing some fixing in heaven)

Marcus Bales 04-21-2008 01:54 PM

In hell every negotiated and final contract must be submitted to Legal for approval.

zero 04-21-2008 02:10 PM

daily, we are taken to play with puppies and kittens. but they are ugly and lethargic ones, and have coarse fur and surly dispositions.

Coffee 04-21-2008 02:11 PM

In hell public servants are elected based on their character and looks, rather than their knowledge of refrigeration.

Stephi_B 04-21-2008 02:19 PM

In hell tea water never gets hot enough due to a strange thermodynamical phenomenon.

l'azizza 04-21-2008 04:57 PM

In hell, the only toilet paper that's ever available is the very last square on the roll.

brightpearl 04-21-2008 07:16 PM

In hell, our only mental muzak is the soundtrack from "Baby Einstein: Baby's First Moves."

brightpearl 04-21-2008 07:17 PM

...and all the toothpaste is labeled "fresh green tea vanilla flavor!" but it really tastes vaguely of carboard airfreshener and chalk.

trisherina 04-22-2008 12:13 AM

In Hell, all you get to read is poetry written by angsty 14 year olds with poor spelling.

brightpearl 04-22-2008 03:13 AM

All the bananas in hell are just slightly overripe, and every bowl of cereal has precisely one bit that looks as though it could be a piece of insect wing. We're never sure.

Anna 04-22-2008 04:18 AM

in hell, you’re not allowed to save or back up

zero 04-22-2008 01:54 PM

every page of every book we open to read is covered in red-ink underlines with double exclamation marked side-notes in the jagged scrawl of somebody clearly convinced by the politics and pseudophilosophy of ayn rand

Marcus Bales 04-22-2008 01:56 PM

... everyone is being so nice and polite to each other through the gritted teeth and fake smiles of contempt.

brightpearl 04-22-2008 03:24 PM

In hell, everyone around us says, "supposebly."

T.I.P. 04-23-2008 12:42 AM


and "exetera"

T.I.P. 04-23-2008 12:47 AM

in hell, whenever it smells like fart everyone looks at you like you did it.

YsaPur EsChomuw 04-23-2008 11:03 AM

In hell, when you need to go to the toilet very much, it is always occupied by someone else for a very long time. Once a week for too long.

treekisser 04-23-2008 01:27 PM

In hell, you need to wait in line for everything. The person in front of you in line always has very lengthy, complicated business and the person behind you always shouts incessantly into her cell phone.

Bman 04-23-2008 02:11 PM

In hell, there is no cool side of the pillow.

Coffee 04-24-2008 01:18 AM

In hell you can only get a very dark roasted coffee. They "claim" to offer a medium roast, but it is a dark roast too.

Odbe 04-24-2008 03:58 AM

In hell, there is free internet everywhere, but it's all at less than 1kb/s so everything takes forever to load.

treekisser 04-24-2008 10:42 AM

In hell, the only newspaper is always devoted to stories about Britney Spears.

YsaPur EsChomuw 04-24-2008 11:22 AM


Originally Posted by treekisser (Post 385219)
In hell, the only newspaper is always devoted to stories about Britney Spears.

... and is made of not very well recycled last scraps of toilet paper, so it crumbles while reading, leaving strange stains. It's not even good to swat a fly with.

Anna 04-24-2008 12:59 PM

In hell, there is no water pressure especially when you wash your hair
In hell, all the stories in the Onion are true.

YsaPur EsChomuw 04-24-2008 03:16 PM

In hell, when you're just about to bite into a sandwich - or any other food - in squeals out loud and squirts ketchup into your eyes and generally tries to wiggle away.

Every time you eat something you feel guilty of murdering your food.

zero 04-24-2008 03:38 PM

all our friends are imaginary friends

zero 04-24-2008 03:40 PM

two words: no sugar

YsaPur EsChomuw 04-24-2008 04:00 PM

No sugar, eh?

In hell to have sex you have to fill in a form, have it signed by seven city officials, get a stamp of approval from the mayor with a number on it, then you go to a waiting room with a counter*. You wait for ages for your number (no pun intended), but when it finally appears the counter always jumps by one more digit.

*confusingly set to binary numbers

treekisser 04-25-2008 01:15 PM

In hell, you can have sex anytime you want with whoever you want, but no one ever pays any attention to you no matter what.

Brynn 04-30-2008 02:22 AM

In hell, the bus you need to catch is always leaving when you're half a block away.

lukkucairi 04-30-2008 02:32 AM

in hell, you have constant annoying crusty boogers, and you're made to wear mittens so you can't pick your nose.

Brynn 04-30-2008 02:38 AM

In hell, everyone's just a little deaf and you have to repeat everything you say at least twice to make yourself understood.

brightpearl 04-30-2008 12:43 PM

In hell we always have a hangnail on our index fingers.

Coffee 04-30-2008 02:07 PM

In hell it is possible to regulate any industry's prices except for the industry that the president of hell has a financial interest in.

treekisser 04-30-2008 02:58 PM

In hell, the only bathroom is always occupied whenever you need to use it.

brightpearl 04-30-2008 03:07 PM

In hell, our shampoo and our pancake syrup are indistinguishable.

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