:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
yesterday i was standing in line in the campus cafeteria - and i get to the end and they have a big bowl marked "vegan meat balls" - my freind who was a few people back in line asked me what they had at the end so i said "vegan meat balls" - which is a bit of an oxymoron - but not super funny in itself - however i barely got the words out when the kid next to me leans over and says "made with real vegans"
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Georgia recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."
"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says,
"Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"What fish?", replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: Georgia rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees.
I heard someone quoting the state of the union address. Need I really name anything else?
did I say I lived in Memphissippi :D
A North Carolina Hillbilly was sitting on his front porch one day, driking his morning coffee. A huge truck with a drilling rig on the back pulled into his front yard.
Two men got out of the truck and approached him. One of the men said, "We represent the Such-and-Such Oil Company and we were wondering if we could drill some test holes on your property. We won't disturb anything you're doing, your land may end up being very valuable, and if not we'll still give you $5,000 for your troubles."
The Hillbilly thought for a while and finally told the men they could drill all they wanted.
About a week later, he was again sitting on his front porch drinking his morning coffee when the men pulled up in the truck again. They got out and one of the men said, "I'm sorry to tell you we didn't find any indication of oil on your property but we'll be glad to issue a $5,000 check to you."
The Hillbilly asked, "How deep are them holes you'uns dig?"
"About seven hundred feet, straight down."
"Tell you what. Go behind my house and you'll find a little, bitty house with a quarter moon cut outta the door. Drill me one o' them holes and then put that little house on top of it and you can keep your money. While you're at it, you can fill the hole it's sittin' on now."
The men agreed and went to work. The Hillbilly was content in the fact he would never have to dig another outhouse hole as long as he lived.
The next morning, the Hillbilly was sitting on his front porch drinking his morning coffee. His son came around from the back of the house and said, "Daddy, you might wanna come out back!"
"Why, son, what is it?"
"Well, it's Momma. She's sittin' in the outhouse with this real funny look on her face and she's beginnin' to turn blue!"
The Hillbilly thought about that for a while and finally chuckled to himself.
"Son, there ain't nothin' wrong with your Momma. She just likes to hold her breath 'til it hits bottom!"
best of craigslist > seattle-tacoma > Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.
Originally Posted: Tue, 6 Feb 14:24 PST
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Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.
Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST
I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:
I got a vasectomy.
I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.
I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.
We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.
Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.
At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.
So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.
Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.
It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.
I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.
She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"
Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.
I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.
I tell her simply, "You're screwed".
Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.
I continue. "I am sterile"
Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."
I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."
This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."
I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."
I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.
I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.
I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.
The Moral of the Story -
Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
Serves her right, but the guy's story doesn't make him look as good as he thinks it does. Sounds like he's overcompensating for something. This is a player who keeps his vasectomy secret just for the occasional flourish and chuckle...:rolleyes: Nice. Makes me wonder how many he did father and abandon before the big V - or even if he actually needed one in the first place.
yeah, that's just depressing
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